12 months have gone already... where?!

Apparently 2010 didn't live up to people's expectations. I'm sorry, but what WERE people expecting? I thought, overall, the good days of 2010 outweighed the bad days by far and I had a very nice time.

Here are some of the things that made 2010 special:

Matilda.

This lot.

Paris.

iPhone. Nom.

V Festival (The most gorgeous photo of me ever taken - mostly just wearing other people's clothes)

A terrible play with the most amazing lovely funny kind talented cast.

So last year I made a list of everything I wanted to achieve in 2010, here's the updated version:

1) Learn to play the piano well. So that when i say "i can play the piano" i won't feel like a complete liar.

Well, i certainly improved. My piano teacher told me I could be "So talented, if only i put a bit more time into it". That made me both sad and happy.

2) Learn to like vegetables. and potatoes. so that i can go round to people's house for dinner without them wanting to murder me.

I like chips now, and jacket potatoes and I will eat aubergine without complaining.

3) Make my handwriting readable.

4) Cry less.

I think i managed this, i should really have bottled all my 2009 tears and all my 2010 tears and done a comparison. 

5) Make at least 5 new friends.

I made lots of new friends, at least 20 of them. And they're all brilliant.

6) Meet someone famous.

Erm... Does Boris Johnson count? 

7) Follow 116 new people on twitter.


So close, but forgot about this until New Years Eve - maybe I'll do this by the end of 2011?

8) Meet some more of the people i talk to on twitter.

I met the lovely Katcal and Regfrog and we went elephant hunting in London then spent hours in Victoria Station chatting. It was a most enjoyable day, even though it was so hot i thought my face was melting.
9) Spend less time on/thinking about twitter.

Look at that! Amazing!

10) Brush my hair more often... like, at least once a week.

I think I've managed this, my hair's shorter now anyway and I've stopped leaving the house looking a mess.

11) Smile at at least one random person each day.

People don't often feel like smiling back on a bus at 7 o'clock in the morning :(

12) Raise some money for charity.

Hell yeah! I've done a lot of volunteering this year, we raised £130 for Harris Hospice, I helped at a summer fair which made about £4000 for Help for Heroes and I helped Barry raise £250 for cancer research.

13) Get a new hamster.

14) Spend less money on music.

Discovered the joys of borrowing CDs rather than buying my own. 

15) Buy a new phone.

16) Read all of the books i got for Christmas.

17) Do my Latin homework. always... (although this one might have to start next week 'coz i *forgot* to take my Latin books home for Christmas)

I have my Latin GCSE in 5 months, I'm just a little bit terrified. 
18) Stop letting certain people be horrible to me.

2010 - The year I learnt to stand up for myself.

19) Stop being so concerned about my ugly face.

My brilliant cousin Em pointed out to me that nobody is looking at my face, they're all too concerned about themselves.

20) Write at least 1 blog a week.

Hmm... I wrote at least one blog a week but I didn't publish 4 of them. FAIL.

SO, 2011. What do I want to do this year? I think 2010 but with more glitter (and good exam results) would be a good place to aim for.

HAPPY NEW YEAR lovely blog readers. x

What can be done? Nothing much.

I've been sitting at my desk a lot in the last couple of days, just sitting and staring. I haven't had the time to do this for rather a long time, this is most definitely a good thing, just sitting and staring gives me too much time to think and when i have too much time to think bad thoughts get into my head. Usually, when I'm busy, when I'm running round like a mad person with a million things to get done, the bad thoughts don't have any way of getting in. The million things act like a barrier stopping any nasty, hateful things from wriggling into where they're not wanted. That's why being busy is always better than not being busy.

It's times like this, when there's noting else to think about that i start making a mess, i start half hearted attempts at tidying or making plans for the future but they always fail and i always end up just sitting and staring again. Nothing productive can come of this time and it may explain why it's currently impossible to see my bedroom floor as I've pulled all of the clothes out of my wardrobe with the intention of throwing some of them away, emptied out my school bag and pencil case wanting to get them ready for the next school year and my all books have been pulled off the bookshelf for no reason other than it's what i felt like doing at the time. None of this bothers me at the moment, what is bothering me though is that Matilda has knocked her food bowl over and there's about a handful of hamster food on the floor. I don't seem to be able to do anything about it though. 

So a few hours ago, as i was staring at the shelf that's above my desk that has nothing on it other than an empty plant pot, a glass of water with a small meerkat in it, a model of the human anatomy, my purse, a Latin textbook and my calendar, i noticed that i haven't changed the date on my calendar since the 18th of June. I feel like something important might have happened on the 18th of June but i can't really remember that far back.

I took it off the shelf and began flicking through to find today's date, as i was about to tear all the old pieces of paper off, i looked at them and thought "bloody hell, that's a lot of pieces of paper" then i thought "that's a lot of days". It's so odd thinking of them all as individual days rather than just things that happened and then the bits in between where things didn't happen. 

I don't know why, but i cleared a space on the floor and i laid them all out like this:

My first thought was "gosh, how did i forget to change my calendar over for such a long time!" my second thought was "what have I done with all that time?!". Now I'm thinking about it, I've done an awful lot with all that time! i don't think there's one single bit of paper i could point at and not be able to day "i did something that day and i had a pretty good time". 

There not always big things but if i sum it all up, these last few months, this summer, has been one of the best times of my life. 

Why? I'm not sure, maybe because I've been keeping busy, I've been making new friends, doing things i wouldn't have thought about doing before, spending as much time as possible with people i love, generally I've been very happy. For various reasons, i feel like I've had to grow up a bit, spending more time away from my home, organising myself a bit more and looking after other people and i love the feeling of being in control of my own life. I'm not, of course, my parents, my school and in fact, the people i have to spend time with at school all have a lot more control over my life than i do but I've been enjoying the freedom I've had. 

I think that's why I'm feeling scared/sad at the moment, i go back to school on Thursday and all of this will be lost, I'll be in different classes with new people, I'll have to convince people to like me all over again, I'll have to work really hard to keep up, I'll have to abandon doing things i enjoy and everything's going to feel uncomfortable and difficult. 

Last September/October/November were rather awful, most evenings i came home from school and cried and felt like shit. I felt like the world was conspiring against me, that i was a useless, stupid, friendless, ugly idiot. I coped with it by spilling my emotions all over Twitter, don't worry, I've stopped doing that now, I've learnt it's messy and unattractive and nobody really cares. I'm scared that this September/October/November are going to be just as bad, if not worse. 

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom" That's what today's date on my calendar says, well, calendar, tell me this, how am I supposed to conquer this fear? I mean, what am I even scared of? A fear of the Autumn months? Because that's completely normal, isn't it. A fear of change? Possibly.

But what can be done? Nothing much. I guess I'll just get on with it and hope for the best.

Strange Men (again)

If you've followed me on Twitter for a while, or if you know me in real life, you'll probably know that it doesn't take a lot to scare me/make me very very paranoid.

Last Saturday i was standing outside Waitrose in Lymington, waiting for my parents to finish shopping. I was listening to my iPod, staring into space and trying not to notice how cold it was (i'd been an idiot and not worn a coat).

I watch a man come out of the shop, stare at me then disappear back into Waitrose. This was weird, but i forgot about it, he probably forgot something and was staring at me in a sort of "she must be mad, she's not wearing a coat, she'll probably get pneumonia and die" sort of way.

Then, about 10 minutes later, the man comes back out of the shop, hands me a bunch of pretty white flowers and says "these are because you're so beautiful" then quickly walks away.

Is there anything much more terrifying than that?? I was scared and embarrassed, apparently i went red. I never go red, not when i'm embarrassed, not when i've run 1500m, never! The last time my face was any colour other than it's normal pale yellowish, i had scarlet fever.

My parents thought it was hilarious, i didn't.

WHY?! i'm most definitely not beautiful (i'm actually having problems spelling beautiful - that's right... yes?) i'm not going to say i'm ugly because i'm scared about getting hit round the face with a dead fish. But i am.

The man was about 40... he was with his wife! (i assume she was his wife).

Why did he do that?? Is he some sort of mental person? Was is a cruel joke? Is he a spy?!

The flowers were pretty though.

Most of them have died now, but i've put the still alive ones in an improvised "vase".




I'm not complaining. I just want answers.

A Really Long Blog For A Really Long Year.

Happy New Year!!! Today, in 1801, The dwarf planet Ceres was discovered by Italian astronomer, Giuseppe Piazzi.

So, now it's 2010, i've started thinking about 2009. A lot of people i have spoken to have said that 2009 was definitely a bad year... i'm not sure, 12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours or 525600 minutes (unfortunately, i didn't have to look those numbers up or use a calculator, they're just a few of the many useless facts i have stored in my brain). Anyway, that's a long long time, especially if you're young like me, those 12 months are quite a high percentage of my life and i don't think that all of those 8760 hours can be bunched together and classed as good or bad.

Instead, i will tell you exactly what i thought of 2009 -

January and February and March.

i actually don't remember these. at all, luckily, back then i still kept a diary...
ok. i can't really read my writing but it seems that these months were boring, i went to a terrible PGL camp thing with school. I got two hamsters, Noel and Liam, who both died later in the year.
Oh, and i broke my toes.
And i can now pinpoint the exact point that i realised Twitter was great - Sunday 15th February, about 6 o'clock.
The last entry in my diary is about a suicide pact i had with my best friend.

April and May and June.

Errr... i don't remember these too well either, in fact, i'm just going to say that NOTHING of interest happened in these months.

July and August and September.

I dislocated my shoulder.
And i had exams.
And i got swine flu.
And i went to my Grandparents' house.
And i met lots of nice people from twitter.
And i made chocolate and Guinness cake.
And i had the most wonderful time with my family at the seaside.

October and November and December.

I met more lovely people from twitter.
I went on holiday and passed a SCUBA diving exam.
I was more depressed than i can ever remember being before.

Now, I think that sums up 2009 pretty well, but what about 2010?

I don't make new years resolutions, because i don't stick to them. Nobody does, really. Even the people who say they do are lying.

Instead, here is a list of some of things i would like to do in 2010:

1) Learn to play the piano well. So that when i say "i can play the piano" i won't feel like a complete liar.

2) Learn to like vegetables. and potatoes. so that i can go round to people's house for dinner without them wanting to murder me.

3) Make my handwriting readable.

4) Cry less.

5) Make at least 5 new friends.

6) Meet someone famous.

7) Follow 116 new people on twitter.

8) Meet some more of the people i talk to on twitter.

9) Spend less time on/thinking about twitter.

10) Brush my hair more often... like, at least once a week :-S

11) Smile at at least one random person each day.

12) Raise some money for charity.

13) Get a new hamster.

14) Spend less money on music.

15) Buy a new phone.

16) Read all of the books i got for Christmas.

17) Do my Latin homework. always... (although this one might have to start next week 'coz i *forgot* to take my Latin books home for Christmas)

18) Stop letting certain people be horrible to me.

19) Stop being so concerned about my ugly face.

20) Write at least 1 blog a week.

I'd really really appreciate your help with these... well, those that you can help with. Just, remind me about them, ok? Because i'm going to be really pissed off when it gets to 2011 and i've not done ANYTHING...

Why I Shoudn't Be Allowed To Write When I'm In This Sort Of Mood...

This is what my calendar said today:

Firstly, it said that today in 1898 The American composer George Gershwin was born.

So, Happy Birthday George! Hope you had a nice day, with presents and stuff. and maybe a birthday cake shaped like a musical note or something?

Hang on, if you were born in 1898, you're probably dead...

Oh yes, it would seem that you died in 1937.

Sorry about that.

What was i saying? oh yes, calendar.

Here, this is one of the best things it has said in a while:

"You may rely on people with whom children and dogs make friends."

I have heard a lot of people (although mostly Geoff Lloyd) say that children hate them because they can see their inner-evil.

Children seem to like me most of the time. Its because i smile at them and i smell like playdough + dust and i fall over more often than they do.

Dogs don't like me though... or is it that i don't like dogs? i'm not sure.

I'm no good at judging whether people are nice or evil, i just assume that they are nice until they prove themselves to be otherwise, and even then i'll give them a second chance, unless they do a murder or something... even then i might give them a second chance... maybe not. I think it would depend on who they murdered. Maybe that's why people think i'm naive?

Maybe i should carry a small child around with me at all times, then they can tell me who is good and who is evil. That would help avoid horrible situations. Then agian, this child couldn't be too small... old enough to be able to explain to me effectivly who is good and who is evil, but then again, the child couldn't be too big either, i wouldn't be able to take them everywhere with me... ok. i need a medium sized child. i wonder where you'd get one of those from?



Do you think i'm weird now because i said that i didn't like dogs? Its not that i don't actually like them, i'm just a bit scared of them... well, not scared of them really, just scared that they'll hate me and try to eat my face. There used to be this dog that lived down the road, it was called Pepper, it seemed alright, but then one day we were playing with it and it just jumped up and bit my next-door neighbour's nose. It was all broken and bleeding (the nose, not the dog).

This blog is rubbish.

This is usually the part where i read it and take out off of the stuff that i've typed without thinking about but if i did that with this blog, there wouldn't be any blog left... maybe just these words:

inner-evil, otherwise, dust, bleeding.

I thought about those words quite a lot. Not because i particulary like those words, just because i had to think for a little bit to make sure that those were the words that i wanted to use.

Also, i'm really rather tired.