Like a magpie, I live for glitter not you.

First day of school. I woke up feeling cold and unhappy, i had a pain in the back of my skull. I rolled out of bed, still wrapped in my duvet and did a few feeble sit-ups. This was pretty much as good as the day was going to get.

People keep asking me what's wrong. I actually wasn't aware that i looked so miserable but apparently i have a look on my face similar to that of a puppy who's been locked outside in the rain. Although that would make sense, for that is pretty much how i feel.

I didn't see many people this summer and i'm not sure what happened to them... but something definitely happened. When did they all get so pretty?

Everyone's tall with dyed hair and suntans. New hair cuts and make up and nicely painted nails and an explosion of confidence and arrogance. Even the strange people, the proper geeks and the complete freaks look nice, and they know it.

I stood there in registration, clinging onto my new Hello Kitty notebook for comfort, shuffling uncomfortably in my Clarks shoes with buckles (i didn't chose them - i had no say whatsoever in the matter) and wondering (hoping) if it would actually be possible to go all year without being noticed at all.

Lunchtime, conversation turned to holidays and boys and new hairstyles and how many times people got drunk during the holidays. But mostly just boys. I sat, reading my Harry Potter book, half listening to my iPod, half listening to their conversation and wondering when it was that they all left me behind.

I was staring at some new year 7s today and though it is quite funny looking at their terrified little faces, i do feel sorry for them because i remember exactly what it was like to be surrounded by new people, feeling like you have to prove yourself to them. If i'm honest, i feel exactly the same as they do, except that i know where most of the classrooms are and i'm not scared of the teachers. I told you how good the last few weeks of term were, remember? School was such a nice place to be because after spending 3 whole years with these people we all knew eachother, we were (mostly) all friends and everything fit into place.

But now it's all changed. And as i established last week, i hate change. It scares me.

Everyone seems so... grown up. At least, they think they seem grown up. I don't, i feel baffled, maybe my brain isn't used to taking so much stuff in in one day or maybe they really are very different people to what they were 6 weeks ago but i wish they'd just stop it, either that, or i wish i could feel grown-up and confident too. Because at the moment i'm simply feeling very left out.

This Terrified Look...

Parents evening. The most dreaded evening of the year?

The one time when the people who boss you about and constantly tell you you're not good enough at school meet those who boss you about and constantly tell you you're not good enough at home.

Teachers have 5 minutes to sum up a whole year of hard work and not so hard work and too short skirts and make-up and too much talking and not enough talking and staring into space and missing maths books and "disappointing" test scores and non existent pieces of homework and "target minimum grades"... how are you supposed to express all that in 5 minutes?! actually... i'll take that back, i've managed to express it all in 1 paragraph.

However, i have learnt that most teachers chose to ignore these subjects completely, instead they like to bring up "issues" that really, don't need to be brought up in front of my parents. They just do it because they assume you aren't going to shout at them and leave the room when you're sitting next to your parents. Cowardly Idiots.

Our first appointment was with my Latin teacher, Miss C who is so delightfully mental, i
think probably deserves a blogpost of her own. Well today she suggested i learn Romanian... ?!! i'm having enough trouble with Spanish and French and Latin as it is thank you... i don't know any Romanian people. i'm not even that sure where Romania is?...

oh. there it is.



anyway, where was i?

Oh yes.

There did seem to be a "theme" running through all of the teacher's opinions of me.

"this terrified look"...

"she sits there silently, looking completely terrified or staring into space."

At least 3 of my teachers said those EXACT words.

Maybe the staring into space bit is true, and the silent bit. But i don't look terrified, this is my normal facial expression. Do i look permanently petrified?

Also, i am pretty sure a teacher shouldn't describe a student as "a panicky little bundle of nerves". Even if it IS true...

Another thing i learnt today is that my English teacher actually spies on me. He mentioned a conversation he overheard me having with my friend at the train station yesterday morning. He really shouldn't have been listening should he?

I'm not going to complain though, he was one of the two teachers who said something vaguely nice about me. He said i was the best student in year 9 with A-level knowledge of English. And that was the first time my mother has been proud of me in about 3 years. And that was nice.

Was there a point to this blog? Have i made it yet? Who knows...

GCSEs and knickers and drugs and stuff

The things that have mainly been in my brain today -

GCSEs
Knickers
Drugs.

I shall explain.

I started the day in a rather worrying way. Woke up with an awful headache, took what i thought was paracetamol, only it wasn't - twas co-codamol. Which my mother was given when she fractured her back (just to give you an idea of how strong they are).

After realising my mistake, i didn't want to concern my parents, so i told twitter. Lovely twitter, who then went on telling me things like "eat something sugary!", "drink loads of water!" and my favourite - "i did that once, i was in hospital for weeks!". yeah... thanks for that.

I ignored all of you. I went to school and tried to forget about it. This didn't last for long as i soon found myself running to the toilets to be sick... My lovely friends standing behind me, looking slightly horrified and asking me if i am pregnant.

I soon got over all of that and despite my friends' best efforts, refused to go home (the lady in the office hates me - i avoid her at all costs).

I fell asleep in Geography. Nobody woke me.

At break i ate a bread roll and a banana yoghurt and then felt completely better. And my headache had gone!

Knickers. Today in school, i looked over at my friend Nancy, she looked uncomfortable.

"are you ok?" says i

"no, i'm far too hot."

"but it's cold in here?!"

"i'm wearing far too many clothes... (i have 4 pairs of knickers on)"

After nearly wetting myself laughing, i asked her why,

"because of the snow. THE SNOW"

"take your jumper off then... and maybe one or two pair of pants?"

"ok."

when i said that, i didn't expect her to do it then and there. in our English lesson.

A talent that all girls i know have is the ability to take items of clothing off in completely the wrong order. So i wasn't THAT surprised.

However, i was surprised when minutes later, Nancy looked at me again,

"Stephanie, what do i do with these pairs of knickers?"

"Erm... put them in your pocket?"

"don't have a pocket."

"pencil case."

"don't have a pencil case.

*silence*

can i put them in your pencil case?"

"NO!".

I don't know how she managed it, but next lesson i went to get my pen out and found 2 pairs of Nancy's knickers.

My pencil case has been contaminated.

And finally... GCSEs. This isn't amusing at all. not one little bit. It's terrifying.

I have to know what i want to study for GCSEs by next week and it seems that EVERYONE i speak to has their own idea of what i should do.

I'm so confused.

So you have to do English, English lit. IT, RS and Maths and double science.

I have to do Engineering (counts for 2 GCSEs) and Latin.

Then i have 3 to choose. Anything i like...

I'd decided on French, Art and Music.

But my mother has decided that i have to do history.

So it was French, Art and history.

But then my piano teacher decided i have to do music.

So it was French, history and music.

But then my father has told me he wants me to do art.

So it was Art, history and music.

But now EVERYONE is telling me that it's useful to learn a language.

I'm so confused. I'm doing 13 GCSEs as it is. Now my parents are trying to arrange for me to do the ones i want to do but can't do in school, out of school. My little head is going to explode. very soon.

School and Other Horrors.

"Fear is like a darkroom where little doubts get developed"

(my calendar said that today, i thought it was appropriate)

I feel horrible. Sort of empty, like there's a big hole inside me. Have you read New Moon? When Edward leaves and Bella feels like there's "an empty hole in her chest"? Well that's how i feel. Sort of. Only, i haven't been left by the love of my life, i haven't been left by anyone. It's just a nasty feeling of nothingness. I think it might be fear, fear that the next five years will be as utterly shit as today was, or maybe it's dread... dreading telling my parents that I'm already in quite a bit of trouble at school even though it's only the first day back, or it might be sadness and anger about someone stealing my coloured pens. I really love those coloured pens.

So...

There are 2 new girls in my class. I only found this out a few days ago. However, it didn't take me long to formulate my evil plan:

I was going to be very very nice to them. I was going to talk to them and make sure they don't get lost and try really really hard to remember their names, then, next week, i was going to ask them if they would please please be my friends. I thought that was a good plan. I felt sure it would work.

But, this morning, i went to say hello, and to put my evil plan into action.

I said "Hello" and they both ignored me. So i said "Hello" again. And they still didn't reply. I spent our most of the art lesson this morning, staring at them, trying to work out why they'd taken against me straight away. Believe it or not, i am quite nice, so at lunch i decided to give them a second chance and go and talk to them again. I said "Hello". They still ignored me.

I was genuinely upset, i went to Emma, who is always nice to me (if a little patronising) and asked why they were talking to everyone else but me.

She found out for me.

And the answer makes a lot of sense.

Here it is...

I was ill the last week of last year.

That's when the rest of the class met the the new people.

The rest of the class had decided that it was down to them to tell the two new girls about how weird i am. In fact, some people (although they seem to have the sense not to admit to it) thought they should tell them not to talk to me because I'm a complete freak.

That's what made me cry.

And now I'm a bit scared, because i always knew that i didn't completely fit in, but now i know what these people actually think of me, and i don't want to have to spend the next five years with them.

I mentioned we had art this morning. We were making little clay people, a bit like Antony Gormley's Field, only ours had to reflect something to do with ourselves. Mine was good. I hardly ever think anything i do is good, but i promise you, this was the best bit of art i have ever done. My little person was sitting on the floor, hiding behind their hands, wearing a hoodie and jeans. Everyone said it was good. Everyone except the art teacher, who looked at it and said

"Oh, it's a bit depressing isn't it!" So, i said,

"Yes, it is." Then she replied,

"Couldn't you make it a bit happier." I said "No." Then i squished it all up. I didn't want to ruin it. But i did. Because i am very very stupid.

So that's the end of this blog. I'm going to sit over there and be a bit sad. Thanks for reading it. Sorry it wasn't happy.

(Oh, i have some advice for you - don't call your form tutor a "fucking homophobic idiot" on the first day of school.)

Little Hedgehog

today i am sad. and here is why: today is exactly 1 year since i lost little hedgehog.

little hedgehog (also known as hodgepig) was my most favourite teddy ever. he was a tiny little furry hedgehog which was just the right size to fit in my coat pocket. i took him absolutely everywhere with me until i started secondary school - then i thought i might look a bit odd carrying him about but he still lived in my school bag. at night, he slept next to me on my pillow. i'd lost him sever hundred times, i was always leaving him in the school playground or in the garden, under the tranpoline. i''ve left him in a countless number of the shops in bromley. he's been left at my grandparent's house and had to be posted home and when i broke my foot in year 6, i left him in the hospital. but i always got him back. last year, on this day, i was in egypt, scuba diving in the red sea with my dad - something that i enjoy a lot. so every morning we (me, my dad, little hedgehog) would leave at half past six, to get to the dive centre by 7. we would then get the dive centre mini bus to the docks and be on our dive boat by 9 o'clock. we would spend the day, diving, snorkling, eating rice ('coz that's the only think little hedgehog and i would eat) and reading books in the sun. it was our 4th day of diving (my dad and i were trying to get to 15 by the end of that holiday - we didn't manage it) and i was having an excellent day, we dived at Ras Katy in the morning and Near Garden in the afternoon, we'd seen an octopus - which makes me happy and 10 barracudas - which made my dad happy (can you tell i've just been typing up my log book so far) anyhoo, we got off the boat and my dad said he'd buy me and Tia (my little 4 year old friend) an ice-cream - which was also very exciting. it wasn't until we were nearly back at the hotel that i realised that i didn't have little hedgehog. i was completely distraught, i looked for him for hours. i even walked down to the docks on my own that night to try and find him but he was well and truely gone. even though it's 1 year later, and it's a bit stupid, i still miss him and i still feel guilty that i didn't find him. i like to think that sarah (my dive instructor at the time) will have found him and picked him up and i hope he will be living on the dive boat, enjoying the sun and making new friends, or that Tia will have found him and taken him home to be with her many other toys.