My old people have been round this weekend. And some other members of my family who aren't that old.
My old people live in THE WEST. This is a slightly terrifying place where i am forced to spend at least 4 weeks a year.
Slightly off the subject, but here is a fact for you about THE WEST, i once phoned into BCR (bridgwater community radio) to answer a question for a competition and the host laughed at me because of my "posh London accent". Grrr.
Anyhoo, i thought i'd share with you some of the best things my family have said this weekend.
My Grandmother:
on Geoff Lloyd talking about sniffing celebrities: "ooh, what an odd man, is he a little backward?... should he be allowed on the radio?"
on an ancient clothes shop in West Wickham called Marianne: "i bought a cardigan in there in 1942. It smelt of pickle."
on driving past a house in West Wickham: "that was where old Pam used to live, her daughter Helen had triplets. 3 little boys, ugly little bastards they were. She wasn't the best person to have triplets, right strange thing, i once saw her in the bakers wearing blue tights and black shoes... still, she must have been quite fertile..."
on a man walking along on the pavement: "that man thinks he's a bicycle". she didn't elaborate.
My uncle Steve, pointing at the plum tart we had for pudding: "i'll have a slice of the aubergine quiche, oh yes i shall." pointing at the custard, "and i'll have some of that cottage cheese with it too, yes i shall. smashing!" (i think he was doing his impression of Prince Philip)
My Aunt, talking about the new person at work "i don't think she likes me much, i didn't mean to give her a dirty look, she just wasn't what i expected, i'd only seen her sitting down before - she was shorter when she was standing up and her face doesn't look anything like the back of her head."
I also learnt that my great uncle Peter (who i don't think has left THE WEST in the last 20 years" honestly believes that "those fucking Polish job-stealers" go to ASDA after 5:30 on a Thursday evening and get EVERYTHING for free. I don't know why he thinks this, but sometimes he sits in ASDA car park of a Thursday evening looking for "foreign looking people" and shouting at them.
Another thing i learnt was that my very very posh great aunt and uncle, have 6 freezers in their garage where they keep the meat they've bought, because they like to go to the farm and buy a whole cow, a whole sheep and 6 chickens every 2 months and freeze them. WEEIIRD.
My Grandad is the best for saying odd things, my favourite thing that he ever said was last Christmas, my grandparents had bought everyone pyjamas for Christmas, except for my aunt (their daughter-in-law) who they bought knickers for. She opened them, looked at them and said "oh thank you, their just the type that i wear." to which my grandad replied "yes, i know, that's why i chose them". My aunt still insists that was one of the most disturbing moments of her life.
Just before i end this, here's Stephanie fact for you:
There are about 4 members of my family who call me Eel Pie. I'll bake some Dalek biscuits for the first person who can work out why :-)
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