I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghosts

1) I've just checked my emails. All the subject lines lined up in my inbox made me giggle. 

These are the subject lines of emails i've recieved in the last week:

i'm an idiot. i'm your idiot.

you make my day lilac and electric blue with yellow flashes

I'm the American dream, i'm the definition of white trash.

You didn't email me.

Um... it's me again.

He's in your bed.

All of this shit is long

Y'all act like you've never seen a blue person before.

i ain't good to girls, me i'm a bad boy, something every good girl needs.

Big cook, little cook.

Stealing the crown jewels.

And the love kickstarts again...

مرحبا ، جميلة واحدة

special shoes.

This is because i ran out of texts. I have 300 texts a month and i used them all up while i was on holiday in Somerset because i was lonely. Now i'm emailing people instead. 

2) I play too much tetris. I used to hate it but now i'm obsessed with it. Actually obsessed. I can get to level 9 but i won't be happy until i get to level 10. I can stop when i get to level 10, that's what i keep telling myself. When i close my eyes before i go to sleep, i see tetris. It just happens in my head. When i was brushing my teeth thismorning i started thinking about the ways that toothbrushes could fit together to make squares and lines. Like tetris.

Is this worrying?

3) For my birthday i would like a jumper with a reindeer on.

What can be done? Nothing much.

I've been sitting at my desk a lot in the last couple of days, just sitting and staring. I haven't had the time to do this for rather a long time, this is most definitely a good thing, just sitting and staring gives me too much time to think and when i have too much time to think bad thoughts get into my head. Usually, when I'm busy, when I'm running round like a mad person with a million things to get done, the bad thoughts don't have any way of getting in. The million things act like a barrier stopping any nasty, hateful things from wriggling into where they're not wanted. That's why being busy is always better than not being busy.

It's times like this, when there's noting else to think about that i start making a mess, i start half hearted attempts at tidying or making plans for the future but they always fail and i always end up just sitting and staring again. Nothing productive can come of this time and it may explain why it's currently impossible to see my bedroom floor as I've pulled all of the clothes out of my wardrobe with the intention of throwing some of them away, emptied out my school bag and pencil case wanting to get them ready for the next school year and my all books have been pulled off the bookshelf for no reason other than it's what i felt like doing at the time. None of this bothers me at the moment, what is bothering me though is that Matilda has knocked her food bowl over and there's about a handful of hamster food on the floor. I don't seem to be able to do anything about it though. 

So a few hours ago, as i was staring at the shelf that's above my desk that has nothing on it other than an empty plant pot, a glass of water with a small meerkat in it, a model of the human anatomy, my purse, a Latin textbook and my calendar, i noticed that i haven't changed the date on my calendar since the 18th of June. I feel like something important might have happened on the 18th of June but i can't really remember that far back.

I took it off the shelf and began flicking through to find today's date, as i was about to tear all the old pieces of paper off, i looked at them and thought "bloody hell, that's a lot of pieces of paper" then i thought "that's a lot of days". It's so odd thinking of them all as individual days rather than just things that happened and then the bits in between where things didn't happen. 

I don't know why, but i cleared a space on the floor and i laid them all out like this:

My first thought was "gosh, how did i forget to change my calendar over for such a long time!" my second thought was "what have I done with all that time?!". Now I'm thinking about it, I've done an awful lot with all that time! i don't think there's one single bit of paper i could point at and not be able to day "i did something that day and i had a pretty good time". 

There not always big things but if i sum it all up, these last few months, this summer, has been one of the best times of my life. 

Why? I'm not sure, maybe because I've been keeping busy, I've been making new friends, doing things i wouldn't have thought about doing before, spending as much time as possible with people i love, generally I've been very happy. For various reasons, i feel like I've had to grow up a bit, spending more time away from my home, organising myself a bit more and looking after other people and i love the feeling of being in control of my own life. I'm not, of course, my parents, my school and in fact, the people i have to spend time with at school all have a lot more control over my life than i do but I've been enjoying the freedom I've had. 

I think that's why I'm feeling scared/sad at the moment, i go back to school on Thursday and all of this will be lost, I'll be in different classes with new people, I'll have to convince people to like me all over again, I'll have to work really hard to keep up, I'll have to abandon doing things i enjoy and everything's going to feel uncomfortable and difficult. 

Last September/October/November were rather awful, most evenings i came home from school and cried and felt like shit. I felt like the world was conspiring against me, that i was a useless, stupid, friendless, ugly idiot. I coped with it by spilling my emotions all over Twitter, don't worry, I've stopped doing that now, I've learnt it's messy and unattractive and nobody really cares. I'm scared that this September/October/November are going to be just as bad, if not worse. 

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom" That's what today's date on my calendar says, well, calendar, tell me this, how am I supposed to conquer this fear? I mean, what am I even scared of? A fear of the Autumn months? Because that's completely normal, isn't it. A fear of change? Possibly.

But what can be done? Nothing much. I guess I'll just get on with it and hope for the best.

Happy Birthday Princess Anne

So, Princess Anne is 60. Well done her.

I have a Grandad, my Dad's Dad, well, my Dad's step-dad. He's very nice just very very boring. Mostly he talks about himself or the rotary club: what he did whilst he was a District Governor, what he has to do as a PGD, what good work the rotary club do, rotary club raffles he has won (which he ALWAYS seems to be doing, either they have a ridiculous amount of raffles or he's rigging them), rotary club dinners, rotary club meetings, trips to America/Australia/Germany with the rotary club and his absolute favourite topic of conversation - important and influential people he has met via the rotary club. He's met Princess Anne 3 or 4 times "she's a wonderful woman".

Somebody, who will remain anonymous in this blog, once told me that the only way i'd get somewhere in life would be if i married someone very rich. I didn't take this to heart, they're a twat. Anyway, a while ago, i was discussing this with my parents and a friend. I decided i would quite like to marry into the royal family, i mean, they're pretty rich and i'd get to go round opening buildings and being horribly rude and badly behaved and not get in trouble for it.

Who could i marry? The obvious choices would be Prince William or Prince Harry but i have no connection to them whatsoever. it's then that i remembered Grandad's *hilarious* anecdotes involving Princess Anne - perfect!

So i suggest Princess Anne, i also explained my plan to get Grandad to introduce me to her - next time he was due to be at a function she will be at, i'll ask him if i could come because i really fancy her.

Everyone laughed, his reaction would be priceless, Barry might have done an impression of what sort of face he would pull. Everyone laughed a bit more.

Then my mother turned to me and said, with genuine fear in her eye's: "Don't".

"Why not?"

"Because he'll write us out of his will"

******

He often comes round for Sunday lunch, i play an awesome little game where i subtly (and often not-so-subtly) bring the conversation round to Princess Anne. Sometimes saying something like "You know, i think Princess Anne is really..." *pause to take a long sip of my drink and watch my parents go very white* "...a very inspirational woman". He's so self-absorbed, i don't think he's noticed my odd obsession yet.

It is honestly my favourite boredom-beating game, except for the one at Christmas dinner where you have to slip the words "tramp's knob" into conversation without anyone noticing. Honestly, there is nothing funnier than watching my parents squirm nervously in their seats whilst i ramble on about the amazing charitable work of the Princess Royal. And i wonder why they seem so stressed all the time...?

I Love Mad People

I need to tell you about the amazing man i met today.

Right, imagine the scene, i'm in Glastonbury. In a shop. I'm not sure what it was called but it sold jewellery and windchimes and little statues and scented candles and other stuff. There was no one else in the shop except for the man behind the counter, i don't know his name, he had a beard. It smelt strongly of something, i don't know what, but it was making me feel a bit sleepy.

Man - "Good Evening" (it was about two o'clock in the afternoon)

Me - "Oh, hello"

Man - *signals for me to come a bit closer, leans towards me as if he was going to tell me a secret* "Are you a fairy?"

Me - "erm... yes." (well, what else could i have said?)

"Fantastic! There aren't many of us left now days, i just knew, i just knew, i could tell as soon of you walked into the shop."

"mmm, yes. So... you're a fairy too?"

"Of course! of course... are you a fairy princess?"

"erm... yes" (i was starting to feel VERY awkward by now)

"Amazing! Of course you are! i just knew... i could just tell! you have that look about you, my wife was also a princess... she's dead now though." *grabs my hand, kisses it* "an honour to meet you!"

*nervous laughter* "yes, you too"

"Are you from Scotland?"

"No, London."

"Ah yes, yes, i always get those accents mixed up"

"And you're from Glastonbury?"

"Yes... i've always been here, it's the best place for the likes of us. I should like to go to London one day but i think it may be a little too far to walk"

I started to say something about driving or getting a train but i stopped myself. Then we stood there for a few second, staring at eachother.

"I think i have to go now"

"Of course, of course, it was lovely meeting you. Would you like a bracelet?"

"I don't really have enough money"

"No! Take it, take it for free! There's no charge for my fellow fairies"

"Oh thank you"

"Goodbye! Send my greetings to the fairies of Scotland"

"Bye"

He was awesome.