Things 44 and 90 in Somerset

I recently spent 4 decades with my family at my grandparents' house in Somerset.

Oh hang on... no, I just checked my diary, apparently it was only 4 days... The West Country must work on a similar time scale to Narnia because by the time we returned I had definitely gained several grey hairs and that 'oh i give up' look that can only normally be found in the eyes of 50-something year old mothers of 5.

Herewegoooo

Thing 44: Teach Your Grandparents Something New

I taught my grandfather how to use an iPhone. I'm not sure why I thought this would be a good idea, because he doesn't own an iPhone. So after he'd got the hang of it, he used mine to read the paper and check the weather and watch youtube videos and search google for 'Bill Turnbull date of birth'. So probably not the wisest idea I've ever had.

Although now, the man who has received 2 text messages since Christmas, only turns his mobile on when he wants to phone someone and started with £10 credit in September 2006 and still has £7.50 left, is 'looking into' buying himself an iPhone... Fair enough, I guess.

Other than eating breakfast at 5.45 in the morning, admiring expensive chinaware and repeatedly telling people that we're related to Barbara Windsor, one of my family's favourite activities to pass the time is Going For A Drive.

A few years ago, somebody bought Grandad a satnav, which he loves more than most members of his family BUT there was some sort of a mishap involving France and speed-cameras and a €1500 fine that nobody entirely understood nor was willing to listen to the explanation again in order to understand.

Thing 90: Get From A to B Using A Map

'A' was the charming industrial estate that is Bridgwater and 'B' was the city of Bath that is not only one of my favourite places in Britain but also held the beautiful promise of a few hours to myself whilst I went shopping and my family admired the architecture (in case they'd forgotten it since last summer).

This journey shouldn't really take more than an hour and should be relatively painless. Pah.

The thing is, not only do i get so incredibly travel sick that i sometimes have to lie down after the 15 minute bus journey to school but recently being in a car accident on the M25 has left me with an OHFUCKNOPLEASEICAN'TLOOK attitude to motorways. Naturally, this made me the perfect candidate for map reading.

At least, I would be, if my Grandad believed a word i said:

"You need to turn right here"
"No I don't" *20 minutes later* "Where are we? What did you do? I haven't seen this before"

"Okay, you need to take the second left and we'll be going the right way"
"Don't be ridiculous that'll take us to Higgedy-upon-Cow"

"Go straight on at this junction"
"Oh there's a traffic jam, I'm going to go right"

This is the man who regularly goes on 6 week driving holidays across Europe, and i genuinely believe that the last 60 years of his transit has been largely trial and error.

To top it all off, my small cousin seems to have recently decided that he is A Man, thus requiring him to sit with his legs 3 meters apart and wear so much Lynx that you can practically see it dripping from his clothing.

His favourite in-car pastime is 'the meat game', where he makes my grandmother (who has never set foot in a fast-food establishment in her life) guess the price of different chicken meals from various fried chicken shops until she gets it exactly right.

HOWEVER, we did get to Bath, finally, and we got home again, so I'm counting it as a success.