What can be done? Nothing much.

I've been sitting at my desk a lot in the last couple of days, just sitting and staring. I haven't had the time to do this for rather a long time, this is most definitely a good thing, just sitting and staring gives me too much time to think and when i have too much time to think bad thoughts get into my head. Usually, when I'm busy, when I'm running round like a mad person with a million things to get done, the bad thoughts don't have any way of getting in. The million things act like a barrier stopping any nasty, hateful things from wriggling into where they're not wanted. That's why being busy is always better than not being busy.

It's times like this, when there's noting else to think about that i start making a mess, i start half hearted attempts at tidying or making plans for the future but they always fail and i always end up just sitting and staring again. Nothing productive can come of this time and it may explain why it's currently impossible to see my bedroom floor as I've pulled all of the clothes out of my wardrobe with the intention of throwing some of them away, emptied out my school bag and pencil case wanting to get them ready for the next school year and my all books have been pulled off the bookshelf for no reason other than it's what i felt like doing at the time. None of this bothers me at the moment, what is bothering me though is that Matilda has knocked her food bowl over and there's about a handful of hamster food on the floor. I don't seem to be able to do anything about it though. 

So a few hours ago, as i was staring at the shelf that's above my desk that has nothing on it other than an empty plant pot, a glass of water with a small meerkat in it, a model of the human anatomy, my purse, a Latin textbook and my calendar, i noticed that i haven't changed the date on my calendar since the 18th of June. I feel like something important might have happened on the 18th of June but i can't really remember that far back.

I took it off the shelf and began flicking through to find today's date, as i was about to tear all the old pieces of paper off, i looked at them and thought "bloody hell, that's a lot of pieces of paper" then i thought "that's a lot of days". It's so odd thinking of them all as individual days rather than just things that happened and then the bits in between where things didn't happen. 

I don't know why, but i cleared a space on the floor and i laid them all out like this:

My first thought was "gosh, how did i forget to change my calendar over for such a long time!" my second thought was "what have I done with all that time?!". Now I'm thinking about it, I've done an awful lot with all that time! i don't think there's one single bit of paper i could point at and not be able to day "i did something that day and i had a pretty good time". 

There not always big things but if i sum it all up, these last few months, this summer, has been one of the best times of my life. 

Why? I'm not sure, maybe because I've been keeping busy, I've been making new friends, doing things i wouldn't have thought about doing before, spending as much time as possible with people i love, generally I've been very happy. For various reasons, i feel like I've had to grow up a bit, spending more time away from my home, organising myself a bit more and looking after other people and i love the feeling of being in control of my own life. I'm not, of course, my parents, my school and in fact, the people i have to spend time with at school all have a lot more control over my life than i do but I've been enjoying the freedom I've had. 

I think that's why I'm feeling scared/sad at the moment, i go back to school on Thursday and all of this will be lost, I'll be in different classes with new people, I'll have to convince people to like me all over again, I'll have to work really hard to keep up, I'll have to abandon doing things i enjoy and everything's going to feel uncomfortable and difficult. 

Last September/October/November were rather awful, most evenings i came home from school and cried and felt like shit. I felt like the world was conspiring against me, that i was a useless, stupid, friendless, ugly idiot. I coped with it by spilling my emotions all over Twitter, don't worry, I've stopped doing that now, I've learnt it's messy and unattractive and nobody really cares. I'm scared that this September/October/November are going to be just as bad, if not worse. 

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom" That's what today's date on my calendar says, well, calendar, tell me this, how am I supposed to conquer this fear? I mean, what am I even scared of? A fear of the Autumn months? Because that's completely normal, isn't it. A fear of change? Possibly.

But what can be done? Nothing much. I guess I'll just get on with it and hope for the best.