I hear... Screaming

I'm not liking this whole November thing.

I am having enough difficulty finding the energy to have a conversation with my fellow humans at the moment let alone thinking up a readable blog.

However, earlier today someone said something and i thought, as i often do, about a TV show i saw when i was little. I think about this TV show a lot, i was really young when i saw it, i don't remember what chanel it was on or why i was watching it all i remember was that it was terrifying, i had never seen anything like it, i had nightmares for weeks and weeks and i still remember it as brilliantly terrifying. The only difference was that today, for the first time in years, i remembered the name of it - Are You Afraid Of The Dark.

So, obviously, the first thing i did was google it. They made 7 series of it! It's quite likely that someone reading this will also have seen it, i quickly found the episode i saw - it aired in 2000, i would have been 4.

I know people say you should re-watch things you saw when you were young because it will ruin it but i HAD to watch it.

Here it is, if you have a spare 25 minutes http://www.megavideo.com/?v=XENJUHG7

WELL, it was actually quite creepy, i mean, it's really cheesy and probably won't give me nightmares but i enjoyed it (perhaps not as much as i did when i was 4).

I think maybe that was what started my strange fascination with the disturbing. I remember when i was about 7, my dad showed me a website with short films on and i would spend my evenings glued to the computer screen watching half an hour long obscure horror films and i LOVED them, programmes like the Mighty Boosh (not really horror, but a bit odd) and psychoville make me laugh more than anything else and Stephen King is one of my absolute favourite authors.

And I really want to go to the Hunterian Museum in London but nobody will go with me.

On a completely unrelated note - Anonymous commenter - I love the playlist a lot. Thank you. x

Panic.

Panic Attack: n. The sudden onset of intense anxiety, characterized by feelings of intense fear and apprehension and accompanied by palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, and trembling. Also called anxiety attack.

I've panicked about things before, trembling a little, feeling short of breath and a bit dizzy, it's inconvenient and a little scary. But not terrifying. 

I can tell you what is terrifying...

Let me set the scene for you:

It's about 10.30 on Friday night in Paris, it's raining outside but you don't know that, you're curled up on the floor of Chateau D'Eau metro station hyperventilating, sobbing and shaking. Your eyes are closed because everything is spinning. Crowded round you are 20 other girls and several drunk and/or homeless French people and they're STARING. Kneeling next to you is a concerned yet very awkward language teacher. You wish they'd stop staring. You feel like you are going to die. Somebody puts their hand on your shoulder and you retch, in that moment you thank every God that you don't really believe in that you'd had the sense not to eat anything that day - there are very few things that could make this situation worse, one of them being throwing up. 

Basically, it wasn't nice. It was traumatic and embarrassing and I'm finding it hard to write about it.

I've always been a little bit claustrophobic, but only a little bit. Underground trains in London don't bother me very much at all and I have honestly never been so frightened by anything before.

It started when we got on the metro after dinner, it was quite crowded and i was squished in the middle of a lot of people. It was uncomfortable and I began to shake, at every stop more and more people got on, there wasn't room for them but they kept getting on. It was awfully unpleasant, I was shaking quite a lot by this point. But then something else happened, two angry French people started shouting at each other quite close to where I was standing, the shouting turned to pushing the punching, they were having a full on fight and there really wasn't room for it. I was so squashed, I thought i was suffocating, everything was blurry, I could only hear people screaming and shouting and swearing in French. My legs gave way but we were so tightly packed into the stupid train that I didn't fall, I just stayed wedged between two people I didn't know. We were so close to our stop but someone had pressed the emergency button and we weren't going anywhere. I actually can't remember between then and when we reached the station and people began to move, someone (i later found out it was one of my friends) noticed me, grabbed me by my coat and dragged me out of the door where I fell onto the platform. 

I don't know how long I sat there for, It could have been a very long time, It could have been just 5 minutes and I don't remember anything else until a lot later that evening.

It might not sound that bad to you but it was, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. We had to go on the metro what felt like a thousand other times over the weekend and it didn't get much better. Although I could mostly get over myself once we got out of the station and onto the street, I think I cried more times over the weekend that I ever have done before. One of the teachers told me I was really brave, I didn't feel brave, I felt stupid and irritated at myself for not being about to do something simple that everyone else could do so easily. I was so scared of throwing up that I didn't eat between Friday morning and Monday evening - I'm not sure if that made the situation better or worse, all I know is that I'll be very happy if I never go on the metro ever ever again. 

It was one of those times where everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for our relatively small group of 30 students and 3 teachers, we made this list:

• missing trains
• people forgetting passports
• people getting left behind at St Pancras
• delaying Eurostar
• lost luggage
• not enough hotel rooms booked
• breaking windows
• getting surrounded by scary men in an alleyway before the French teacher came and chased them away
• people getting lost on their own in Paris
• allergic reactions
• two people throwing up EVERYWHERE
• asthma attacks
• panic attacks *ahem* 
• stolen money/phones
• one of the teachers stepping in unnatural amounts of dog poo
• lost metro tickets and passports

I think we were cursed. But I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the trip, because I really did, I made new friends and learnt so many new things, had opportunities to do things I'd never get to do or even think about doing otherwise. The teachers were supportive and caring and everyone was so lovely to everyone else, we all became so close and without the bad stuff it wouldn't have been nearly as funny and exciting and memorable. I don't regret going one bit, I loved all of it... well, most of it. 

Like a magpie, I live for glitter not you.

First day of school. I woke up feeling cold and unhappy, i had a pain in the back of my skull. I rolled out of bed, still wrapped in my duvet and did a few feeble sit-ups. This was pretty much as good as the day was going to get.

People keep asking me what's wrong. I actually wasn't aware that i looked so miserable but apparently i have a look on my face similar to that of a puppy who's been locked outside in the rain. Although that would make sense, for that is pretty much how i feel.

I didn't see many people this summer and i'm not sure what happened to them... but something definitely happened. When did they all get so pretty?

Everyone's tall with dyed hair and suntans. New hair cuts and make up and nicely painted nails and an explosion of confidence and arrogance. Even the strange people, the proper geeks and the complete freaks look nice, and they know it.

I stood there in registration, clinging onto my new Hello Kitty notebook for comfort, shuffling uncomfortably in my Clarks shoes with buckles (i didn't chose them - i had no say whatsoever in the matter) and wondering (hoping) if it would actually be possible to go all year without being noticed at all.

Lunchtime, conversation turned to holidays and boys and new hairstyles and how many times people got drunk during the holidays. But mostly just boys. I sat, reading my Harry Potter book, half listening to my iPod, half listening to their conversation and wondering when it was that they all left me behind.

I was staring at some new year 7s today and though it is quite funny looking at their terrified little faces, i do feel sorry for them because i remember exactly what it was like to be surrounded by new people, feeling like you have to prove yourself to them. If i'm honest, i feel exactly the same as they do, except that i know where most of the classrooms are and i'm not scared of the teachers. I told you how good the last few weeks of term were, remember? School was such a nice place to be because after spending 3 whole years with these people we all knew eachother, we were (mostly) all friends and everything fit into place.

But now it's all changed. And as i established last week, i hate change. It scares me.

Everyone seems so... grown up. At least, they think they seem grown up. I don't, i feel baffled, maybe my brain isn't used to taking so much stuff in in one day or maybe they really are very different people to what they were 6 weeks ago but i wish they'd just stop it, either that, or i wish i could feel grown-up and confident too. Because at the moment i'm simply feeling very left out.

What can be done? Nothing much.

I've been sitting at my desk a lot in the last couple of days, just sitting and staring. I haven't had the time to do this for rather a long time, this is most definitely a good thing, just sitting and staring gives me too much time to think and when i have too much time to think bad thoughts get into my head. Usually, when I'm busy, when I'm running round like a mad person with a million things to get done, the bad thoughts don't have any way of getting in. The million things act like a barrier stopping any nasty, hateful things from wriggling into where they're not wanted. That's why being busy is always better than not being busy.

It's times like this, when there's noting else to think about that i start making a mess, i start half hearted attempts at tidying or making plans for the future but they always fail and i always end up just sitting and staring again. Nothing productive can come of this time and it may explain why it's currently impossible to see my bedroom floor as I've pulled all of the clothes out of my wardrobe with the intention of throwing some of them away, emptied out my school bag and pencil case wanting to get them ready for the next school year and my all books have been pulled off the bookshelf for no reason other than it's what i felt like doing at the time. None of this bothers me at the moment, what is bothering me though is that Matilda has knocked her food bowl over and there's about a handful of hamster food on the floor. I don't seem to be able to do anything about it though. 

So a few hours ago, as i was staring at the shelf that's above my desk that has nothing on it other than an empty plant pot, a glass of water with a small meerkat in it, a model of the human anatomy, my purse, a Latin textbook and my calendar, i noticed that i haven't changed the date on my calendar since the 18th of June. I feel like something important might have happened on the 18th of June but i can't really remember that far back.

I took it off the shelf and began flicking through to find today's date, as i was about to tear all the old pieces of paper off, i looked at them and thought "bloody hell, that's a lot of pieces of paper" then i thought "that's a lot of days". It's so odd thinking of them all as individual days rather than just things that happened and then the bits in between where things didn't happen. 

I don't know why, but i cleared a space on the floor and i laid them all out like this:

My first thought was "gosh, how did i forget to change my calendar over for such a long time!" my second thought was "what have I done with all that time?!". Now I'm thinking about it, I've done an awful lot with all that time! i don't think there's one single bit of paper i could point at and not be able to day "i did something that day and i had a pretty good time". 

There not always big things but if i sum it all up, these last few months, this summer, has been one of the best times of my life. 

Why? I'm not sure, maybe because I've been keeping busy, I've been making new friends, doing things i wouldn't have thought about doing before, spending as much time as possible with people i love, generally I've been very happy. For various reasons, i feel like I've had to grow up a bit, spending more time away from my home, organising myself a bit more and looking after other people and i love the feeling of being in control of my own life. I'm not, of course, my parents, my school and in fact, the people i have to spend time with at school all have a lot more control over my life than i do but I've been enjoying the freedom I've had. 

I think that's why I'm feeling scared/sad at the moment, i go back to school on Thursday and all of this will be lost, I'll be in different classes with new people, I'll have to convince people to like me all over again, I'll have to work really hard to keep up, I'll have to abandon doing things i enjoy and everything's going to feel uncomfortable and difficult. 

Last September/October/November were rather awful, most evenings i came home from school and cried and felt like shit. I felt like the world was conspiring against me, that i was a useless, stupid, friendless, ugly idiot. I coped with it by spilling my emotions all over Twitter, don't worry, I've stopped doing that now, I've learnt it's messy and unattractive and nobody really cares. I'm scared that this September/October/November are going to be just as bad, if not worse. 

"To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom" That's what today's date on my calendar says, well, calendar, tell me this, how am I supposed to conquer this fear? I mean, what am I even scared of? A fear of the Autumn months? Because that's completely normal, isn't it. A fear of change? Possibly.

But what can be done? Nothing much. I guess I'll just get on with it and hope for the best.

I Love Mad People

I need to tell you about the amazing man i met today.

Right, imagine the scene, i'm in Glastonbury. In a shop. I'm not sure what it was called but it sold jewellery and windchimes and little statues and scented candles and other stuff. There was no one else in the shop except for the man behind the counter, i don't know his name, he had a beard. It smelt strongly of something, i don't know what, but it was making me feel a bit sleepy.

Man - "Good Evening" (it was about two o'clock in the afternoon)

Me - "Oh, hello"

Man - *signals for me to come a bit closer, leans towards me as if he was going to tell me a secret* "Are you a fairy?"

Me - "erm... yes." (well, what else could i have said?)

"Fantastic! There aren't many of us left now days, i just knew, i just knew, i could tell as soon of you walked into the shop."

"mmm, yes. So... you're a fairy too?"

"Of course! of course... are you a fairy princess?"

"erm... yes" (i was starting to feel VERY awkward by now)

"Amazing! Of course you are! i just knew... i could just tell! you have that look about you, my wife was also a princess... she's dead now though." *grabs my hand, kisses it* "an honour to meet you!"

*nervous laughter* "yes, you too"

"Are you from Scotland?"

"No, London."

"Ah yes, yes, i always get those accents mixed up"

"And you're from Glastonbury?"

"Yes... i've always been here, it's the best place for the likes of us. I should like to go to London one day but i think it may be a little too far to walk"

I started to say something about driving or getting a train but i stopped myself. Then we stood there for a few second, staring at eachother.

"I think i have to go now"

"Of course, of course, it was lovely meeting you. Would you like a bracelet?"

"I don't really have enough money"

"No! Take it, take it for free! There's no charge for my fellow fairies"

"Oh thank you"

"Goodbye! Send my greetings to the fairies of Scotland"

"Bye"

He was awesome.

Competitions and Small Acts of Revenge

Last Friday, at lunch time, was the Easter fair at my school. The Easter fair, much like the Christmas fair, and the summer fair is essentially, people selling stuff i the sports hall and an opportunity for everyone to eat as many sweets as they can and be as hyper and uncontrollable as possible for the last lesson.

Unfortunately, i forgot to take any money to school, so had to spend my lunch time following my friends about, watching them buying stuff and staring miserably at the 32p i had found in my pencil case.

Then, i saw that the Eco House captains were running a competition - you had to write an idea that would make more people in the school more interested in the "Sustainable Schools" stuff, then stick it to a girl who was walking round dressed as a tree.

I had an idea, it was this - Prizes for whichever form had the most paper in their recycling box. There are so many reasons why this idea wouldn't work, but i decided to write it anyway. Well, as soon as i'd announced to my friends that i was going to, i wished i hadn't. For some reason, and i have *no idea* why, coming up with environmentally friendly ideas isn't all that cool. So, as i was writing my idea down on a recycled piece of paper that had been cut into rubbish leaf shape, my friends decided to take the piss out of my in a MAJOR way. It involved a lot of horrible name calling which i won't repeat now as they'd take too much explaining.

When i came to writing my name and form, i decided to get my small act of revenge, instead of writing my name, i wrote "Emma Lamond" the name of one of my best friends, also the one enjoying teasing me the most. I felt very pleased with myself, it was a rubbish idea, there were loads better already stuck on the tree, there was no way i'd ever win but i felt pleased with myself - Emma would probably die if someone thought she had entered that competition. (yes, she is quite shallow, but i still love her).

Ok, you're not stupid so you will have guessed by now that i won. Only, i didn't win, did i? Emma did. Her face when her name was called out was the best thing i have seen in so long! At first she looked really really confused, then, you could see something go *click* inside her head and then she just looked embarrassed. Really really embarrassed.

AHahahahahahahahahah. hahahaha. haha. ahahaha < that was my hysterical laughter. Nobody knew what i was laughing about but i couldn't stop myself. I'm still laughing now, thinking about it. HA!

She told the Eco House Captains that it was my entry, not hers. They were confused, but they gave me first prize instead - a fairtrade easter egg. WOO! Of course, i offered it to Emma, but she didn't want it, in her words "You're the Enviro-Warrior nerd, you deserve it."

I'm so lucky that she has a good sense of humour. And they'll all probably think twice before making fun of me for being a geek in the future.

School. And Emergency Services.

Well, this week school has been DRAMATIC... maybe not dramatic enough to be made into a film, but definitely dramatic enough for a couple of episodes of Casualty.

So, the first interesting thing that happened was on Monday morning. I got into school to learn that a girl in my year has been expelled. Apparently she hit one of the PE teachers after being told to put her phone away then getting into a shouty, sweary argument. I am not all that surprised by this (she's not exactly my favourite person in the world), in fact, i will probably be quite pleased once she's gone, being around her makes me nervous.

After Monday comes Tuesday. Tuesday, after school there was an under 16s hockey match, i was supposed to be playing but i made up something about having to babysit and went shopping instead. Now i wish i hadn't. A girl in the year above me (again, not one of my favourite people) managed to hospitalise a girl from the other team. It involved a clip hit, straight into the other player's face. If you don't play hockey, a clip hit is like this -



It completely knocked out the girl, as well as knocking out 4 of her teeth and breaking her nose. She left in an ambulance... most other players managed to get covered in her blood. Actually, maybe it was best that i wasn't there.

Ok, so yesterday's dramaticness will take a bit of explaining. You see, at my school there's this stupid rule - you aren't allowed to carry your school bag around with you. And our uniform doesn't really have any pockets. This means that people have to leave their valuable stuff in their lockers or in their school bags, in their form room. That's all very well, until someone starts stealing things. It started about 3 months ago, students were having money stolen but recently it's not only been students - teachers too and not only money - vouchers, phones and iPods as well. I've had £15 stolen - all my lunch money over a few weeks. £140 has been stolen from my form room alone and around £700 plus other things from around the school.
Some clever year 11s worked out that it probably wouldn't have been a student - it would be too hard for them to keep all this stolen stuff a secret from everyone else, there wasn't a single class that didn't have anything stolen and it couldn't have been a teacher, they'd be easy to spot on the CCTV (which is only in the corridors). Therefore, it was probably one of the cleaners. They told their suspicions to one of the teachers but the teachers decided it wasn't possible - they were still convinced it was a student. SO, one afternoon this week, Tuesday i think, they left a purse with money in on one of the desks whilst the class went to assembly, all of them except for one, who hid in the cupboard with her camera phone. She filmed the cleaner taking the money from the purse AND going through other people's bag looking for money. Then, on Wednesday lunchtime the police came and the cleaner was arrested. It was very exciting, everyone went down to watch and the teachers didn't even bother to shoo them away. Again, i missed this, i was... guess what? playing hockey. But i did get back in time to see everyone leaving and hear EVERYONE'S version of the story, some people insisting she stole £2000! (i said £700 because that's what the teachers told us).

The next (and last) DRAMATIC thing that happened was thismorning, as i was walking into school. All of a sudden, about 10 weeping, screaming year 8s barged past me, towards school. They were followed by my friend Nancy who grabbed me then shouted in my face "OHMYGOD!! JADE JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR". Ach. I have seen two car accidents in my life, both were horrible. The first involved a car and a motorbike and gave me awful nightmares for months. The second caused me to faint, whilst i was on a bus. I'm really not good with that sort of thing, so although Nancy tried to drag me back to see what had happened, i went into school and sat, waiting to hear what had happened. I didn't hear anything, until a few hours ago when i got a text saying that she's ok. I am relieved. I don't even like her that much, but i was worried about her.

Oh, and this isn't at all DRAMATIC but i feel the need to tell you - remember that Latin test i had a few weeks ago? no? i complained about it enough! Well i got it back today - i got 90% which i am VERY VERY happy with!

This Terrified Look...

Parents evening. The most dreaded evening of the year?

The one time when the people who boss you about and constantly tell you you're not good enough at school meet those who boss you about and constantly tell you you're not good enough at home.

Teachers have 5 minutes to sum up a whole year of hard work and not so hard work and too short skirts and make-up and too much talking and not enough talking and staring into space and missing maths books and "disappointing" test scores and non existent pieces of homework and "target minimum grades"... how are you supposed to express all that in 5 minutes?! actually... i'll take that back, i've managed to express it all in 1 paragraph.

However, i have learnt that most teachers chose to ignore these subjects completely, instead they like to bring up "issues" that really, don't need to be brought up in front of my parents. They just do it because they assume you aren't going to shout at them and leave the room when you're sitting next to your parents. Cowardly Idiots.

Our first appointment was with my Latin teacher, Miss C who is so delightfully mental, i
think probably deserves a blogpost of her own. Well today she suggested i learn Romanian... ?!! i'm having enough trouble with Spanish and French and Latin as it is thank you... i don't know any Romanian people. i'm not even that sure where Romania is?...

oh. there it is.



anyway, where was i?

Oh yes.

There did seem to be a "theme" running through all of the teacher's opinions of me.

"this terrified look"...

"she sits there silently, looking completely terrified or staring into space."

At least 3 of my teachers said those EXACT words.

Maybe the staring into space bit is true, and the silent bit. But i don't look terrified, this is my normal facial expression. Do i look permanently petrified?

Also, i am pretty sure a teacher shouldn't describe a student as "a panicky little bundle of nerves". Even if it IS true...

Another thing i learnt today is that my English teacher actually spies on me. He mentioned a conversation he overheard me having with my friend at the train station yesterday morning. He really shouldn't have been listening should he?

I'm not going to complain though, he was one of the two teachers who said something vaguely nice about me. He said i was the best student in year 9 with A-level knowledge of English. And that was the first time my mother has been proud of me in about 3 years. And that was nice.

Was there a point to this blog? Have i made it yet? Who knows...

Strange Men (again)

If you've followed me on Twitter for a while, or if you know me in real life, you'll probably know that it doesn't take a lot to scare me/make me very very paranoid.

Last Saturday i was standing outside Waitrose in Lymington, waiting for my parents to finish shopping. I was listening to my iPod, staring into space and trying not to notice how cold it was (i'd been an idiot and not worn a coat).

I watch a man come out of the shop, stare at me then disappear back into Waitrose. This was weird, but i forgot about it, he probably forgot something and was staring at me in a sort of "she must be mad, she's not wearing a coat, she'll probably get pneumonia and die" sort of way.

Then, about 10 minutes later, the man comes back out of the shop, hands me a bunch of pretty white flowers and says "these are because you're so beautiful" then quickly walks away.

Is there anything much more terrifying than that?? I was scared and embarrassed, apparently i went red. I never go red, not when i'm embarrassed, not when i've run 1500m, never! The last time my face was any colour other than it's normal pale yellowish, i had scarlet fever.

My parents thought it was hilarious, i didn't.

WHY?! i'm most definitely not beautiful (i'm actually having problems spelling beautiful - that's right... yes?) i'm not going to say i'm ugly because i'm scared about getting hit round the face with a dead fish. But i am.

The man was about 40... he was with his wife! (i assume she was his wife).

Why did he do that?? Is he some sort of mental person? Was is a cruel joke? Is he a spy?!

The flowers were pretty though.

Most of them have died now, but i've put the still alive ones in an improvised "vase".




I'm not complaining. I just want answers.

Can You Beat My Day?

So. I haven't written a blog for ages. This is because everything has been rubbish. But now it's getting less rubbish, my day today was one of those good days, not an amazing one. Not a day that i will just remember forever just quite an enjoyable one. Except for the bad bits, they weren't enjoyable. They were bad.

Here is what happened to me today, not everything that happened to me today, that would be a very boring blog, just some of the stuff:

1. I discovered that i know a shocking (and slightly worrying) amount about The tropic of cancer and the tropic of Capricorn. I don't remember learning any of this stuff, i think it was just pre-programmed into my brain. I think it might be a sign.
2. I drew a diagram showing the tropic of cancer and the tropic of Capricorn with the sun and the moon and some other stuff. My friends decided that it was so good, our teacher should pin it on the wall, they then nagged him until he did.
3. I argued with my IT teacher about my grade on a piece of coursework, she then put it DOWN a grade because i was "arrogant and argumentative".
4. I wrote an essay that was "genuinely impressive". if you don't know my English teacher then you won't appreciate how big that compliment is.
5. I got my hand stuck in a grand piano and had to be rescued by Dr Parsons. He laughed at me. It was VERY FUNNY but it hurt quite a lot.
6. I fell over in assembly. Not just IN assembly but standing at the front, collecting some trophy thing. Again, people laughed.
7. I was Macbeth. Not the whole play, just the character.
8. I cut my hand in chemistry. Mr Mathews put not 1, not two but THREE plasters on it!
9. A really old lady swore at me.
10. My piano teacher did an impression of what an elephant would look like if it sneezed.
11. I ate a slice of pizza upside down.
12. I discovered a new insult - called my father it and he was so impressed by it that he forgot to be cross with me.

I CAN'T DO AEROBICS

I challenge you to find anyone less co-ordinated and more accident prone than me...

I can play hockey... and tennis and rounders and rugby... i can do athletics and gymnastics and to a certain extent, dance.

So PLEASE don't make me do aerobics!

I just can't do it! my arms and my legs can't do different things at the same time. I don't work like that!

By the time i've worked out how to do one stupid movement, everyone else has moved onto the next one.

The music doesn't help, it's fast and horrible, usually made by people who know more about aerobics that they do music - it makes me want to cut my own ears off.

I ALWAYS end up going the wrong way, people start tutting and i get hit in the face.

Then i'll fall over, i'll land head first on a pile of gym mats and start giggling so much that somebody has to drag me out.

All this time, my PE teacher is dancing about at the front of the room wearing a fluorescent green t-shirt that makes your eyes hurt and flapping her arms about so much that she looks like she's about to take off.

After an hour of this torture (yes, 1 whole hour!). Everyone else will go off to get changed and said PE teacher says "Stephanie, you looked like you were struggling a bit this lesson"

STRUGGLING A BIT???!!!!!!

School and Other Horrors.

"Fear is like a darkroom where little doubts get developed"

(my calendar said that today, i thought it was appropriate)

I feel horrible. Sort of empty, like there's a big hole inside me. Have you read New Moon? When Edward leaves and Bella feels like there's "an empty hole in her chest"? Well that's how i feel. Sort of. Only, i haven't been left by the love of my life, i haven't been left by anyone. It's just a nasty feeling of nothingness. I think it might be fear, fear that the next five years will be as utterly shit as today was, or maybe it's dread... dreading telling my parents that I'm already in quite a bit of trouble at school even though it's only the first day back, or it might be sadness and anger about someone stealing my coloured pens. I really love those coloured pens.

So...

There are 2 new girls in my class. I only found this out a few days ago. However, it didn't take me long to formulate my evil plan:

I was going to be very very nice to them. I was going to talk to them and make sure they don't get lost and try really really hard to remember their names, then, next week, i was going to ask them if they would please please be my friends. I thought that was a good plan. I felt sure it would work.

But, this morning, i went to say hello, and to put my evil plan into action.

I said "Hello" and they both ignored me. So i said "Hello" again. And they still didn't reply. I spent our most of the art lesson this morning, staring at them, trying to work out why they'd taken against me straight away. Believe it or not, i am quite nice, so at lunch i decided to give them a second chance and go and talk to them again. I said "Hello". They still ignored me.

I was genuinely upset, i went to Emma, who is always nice to me (if a little patronising) and asked why they were talking to everyone else but me.

She found out for me.

And the answer makes a lot of sense.

Here it is...

I was ill the last week of last year.

That's when the rest of the class met the the new people.

The rest of the class had decided that it was down to them to tell the two new girls about how weird i am. In fact, some people (although they seem to have the sense not to admit to it) thought they should tell them not to talk to me because I'm a complete freak.

That's what made me cry.

And now I'm a bit scared, because i always knew that i didn't completely fit in, but now i know what these people actually think of me, and i don't want to have to spend the next five years with them.

I mentioned we had art this morning. We were making little clay people, a bit like Antony Gormley's Field, only ours had to reflect something to do with ourselves. Mine was good. I hardly ever think anything i do is good, but i promise you, this was the best bit of art i have ever done. My little person was sitting on the floor, hiding behind their hands, wearing a hoodie and jeans. Everyone said it was good. Everyone except the art teacher, who looked at it and said

"Oh, it's a bit depressing isn't it!" So, i said,

"Yes, it is." Then she replied,

"Couldn't you make it a bit happier." I said "No." Then i squished it all up. I didn't want to ruin it. But i did. Because i am very very stupid.

So that's the end of this blog. I'm going to sit over there and be a bit sad. Thanks for reading it. Sorry it wasn't happy.

(Oh, i have some advice for you - don't call your form tutor a "fucking homophobic idiot" on the first day of school.)