"I do realise this is a Heston Blumenthal recipe," I say, taking a pretzel out of the cupboard and biting into it, "but is that leg of lamb supposed to be on fire?"

"FUCK" 

"That's a 'no', then?"

---

Today I have dressed as minnie mouse and moved slowly through the house, thoughtfully reading a play and occasionally eating biscuits. My Father, on the other hand, having been instructed to decorate the exterior of the house has, well... decorated the exterior of the house, whilst my mother has dug up the flower beds in the front garden, wearing a ridiculously oversized sun hat and her pyjamas. 

At the same time, the family across the road have participated in the most competitive egg hunt I have ever witnessed. For 2 hours, I observed toddlers being cheered on, praised and berated by their overly enthusiastic parents as they raced from the tree with the bird feeder in to the front doorstep before finally lifting the newspaper on the garden table to find yet another chocolate encased in foil. At one point, I definitely saw one pensioner point her grandson in the direction of the next prize and although I considered reporting them for foul play, I decided against it. Who am I to judge?

And finally, some art, that is not only relevant to the time of year, but edible. YUM:

Farm cake. Omnomnomnom.

HAPPY EASTER! 

"Pictures Of Last Night Ended Up Online... I'm Screwed"

Birthday = done.

I'm 15 now. That feels quite old. I feel like i should be hanging round in shopping centres with my hood up, spitting at people. I won't... but i could.

I must say, despite everything, this was a very very nice birthday. The nicest for a long time.

My friends were very sweet, buying me starbucks hot chocolate and giving it to me on the bus, making me really pretty birthday cards and giving me a strange yet completely perfect selection of presents. Including: a Jedward poster (which i'm not allowed to put up), DVDs of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and The Lovely Bones, CDs, a book, a LOT of chocolate and cute stationary. And bubbles.

Oh yes... and i got an iPhone. EEK!

I love it. I can never ever get signal... but i still love it.

I had a party on Friday, we ate pizza and played on Wii Just Dance and generally had a good time. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to play with the camera on my iPhone. I made this, enjoy:





Um... that's it.

Monday

Monday was my last day of being away.

It was sad leaving my Grandparents. I am worried that they're lonely when i'm not there being loud and untidy.

Barry decided that he wanted to go to Cardiff as it's sort of on our way back. I've never been there before. It's very... Welsh. Like, more Welsh than you'd expect. I know that it's in Wales an' all but still, i've been lead to believe that very few people actually speak Welsh, well, that's probably a lie because i head at least 6 people speaking it. I mean, how can you not speak Welsh when every road sign and a great deal of shops have words in both English and Welsh. I was only there for a day and i learnt these words:

Araf = Slow.

bwsiau = bus

croeso = welcome

rhybudd = warning

allan = exit

After drinking coffee, we began to think about what we were going to do. The first thing i did was get lost. I really really needed the toilet and thought that there MUST be one in a shopping centre. I didn't realise quite how big this shopping centre was, it's probably bigger than Blue Water except all on one floor. I was lost there for over half an hour, there's hundreds of long corridors lined with thousands of shops but NO toilets! I finally remembered that Marks and Spencer's usually had toilets, but i forgot that there's usually ques of old ladies, miles long outside the toilets. So, 45 minutes after setting out to look for a toilet, i finally got to one. It took me 10 minutes to navigate out of the shopping centre only to find that my parents had got bored and wandered off.

I found my mother doing a survey about terrorism. So i left her to it. Then i found my father having an argument with a sales assistant in HMV.

Finally, we went to see a castle or something. My Father rufused to pay to go inside, instead we agreed that we'd go on one of those siteseeing tours.

There weren't many people on the bus, it was incredibly windy. Here are my parents, looking confused by a map.


The best picture i took whilst on that bus. It's not even that good.


The Millenium Centre. EXCITING!!


We went inside, this was also exciting. Aeroplanes.


I AM IN TORCHWOOD. EEK!



The next thing we did was to go to the Dr Who exhibition at the Red Dragon centre. But I will write about that in another blog.

More going on a bus. We saw the Millennium Stadium. It's massive! But the weird thing is, it's really well hidden, driving around, you don't see it unless you're right outside it. Spooooky!!

I think that going on an open top bus down a motorway might be one of the scariest experiences of my life. It messed up my hair.

Then Barry suggested that we go to Barry. It was boring and my shoe broke. I had to hop around, looking like an idiot, Welsh people looked at me all funny. I looked right back at them.

Something i learnt - people in TGI friday don't mind if you go in there without any shoes on.

Something else i learnt - don't drink 5 glasses of lemonade before a 4 hour car journey.

So, that's the end of these holiday blogs. You're probably bored of them now, i definitely am. I hope you enjoyed some of them though. Bye bye.

Friday

Swans and Geese. I always get those mixed up. Which are the ones that can bite your whole arm of and snap your thigh bone by just looking you in the eye, or... something like that?

Whatever. These are swans, and none of them killed me. Some of them are quite pretty, others are all brown and ugly, apparently they're the baby ones. Also, i shouldn't call them ugly just because they're a different colour. Awesome bit of anti-racism from my Grandad there.

This is Exeter. Some other things i encountered in Exeter -

Cathedral. If i'm honest, i was a bit tired of Cathedrals by Friday so didn't go much closer that this.

Wonky buildings.

More streets that wanted to kill me.

The most amazing buses you have ever seen. I found myself wishing that the ones in London were like this. But then i remembered that i have enough trouble staying awake on the bus in the morning without actually being comfortable.

This is the exeter riddle sculpture. It's brilliant. There's 8 panels each with a riddle on, they're writing backwards and the opposite panel is a mirror. Every time i go there, i wish i have more time to work them all out.

Yum.

New school shoes. Woo!

Hmm... i think that's it.

Oh, except for this - I very very rarely disagree with something that somebody is wearing - it's their choice what clothes they wear - but WHY do "older" women think it's normal to wear really high waisted jeans with a T-shirt tucked in! WHY?? It makes them look all odd and lumpy.

Wednesday

We went to Wells, there's a market there on Wednesday.

After staying up most of Tuesday night, reading The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' nest, i was tired and in a bad mood for most of the morning.

It started badly. The first thing i said as i got into the car was - "you do know the way, right?". My grandad laughed. "Of COURSE i know the way, i've been there hundreds of times before." Well, he didn't know the way. We got lost out on the levels. again. I saw a cat that had been shot.

But we finally got there, and Wells is a really nice place. It was the first time i've been there and it's not been raining.

Here it is, not raining -

As it had taken a ridiculously long time to get there, the first thing to do was have coffee. There we were, minding our own business, when an man decides to come and sit with us. This isn't normal. He then starts to talk to us about his knee surgery. Also, not normal. Then, he rolls his trouser leg up and starts showing us the scars from the operation. This is just weird. He ended his speech with. "Ok then. Goodbye.", got up and left the cafe. then a woman who worked there came over to us and said "don't mind him, he does that a lot." Oh.

Then we went to the market. It mostly sold food, and terrible slippers.

Next, we went to walk around the Cathedral and the gardens are various other places.

I was puzzled. There are normally ducks here. Where did they all go? Ducks don't just disappear. Do they?

Anyway, i bought a pencil. Not very interesting.

Then things got a bit strange. I was standing outside a shop, my grandmother had gone inside and my grandad was in the bank, when all of a sudden, i very posh woman grabbed my by the elbow and shoved me in the other direction. I was half asleep and for some reason, i was standing in front of a fat old man.

"smile" said the posh woman. and about a second later, a picture was taken. "You don't mind this being in the newspaper, do you? No? Good." I blinked, shocked. The fat man shook my hand and it was then that i noticed they were all wearing blue rosettes. Ugh. Great. Thankfully, my grandad came over to rescue me.

"Hell would have to freeze over before I, or any member of my family had any sort of association with the conservatives." Then he walked away, dragging me behind him.

Ow. I don't want my picture to be in any newspaper. Especially not with some Conservative MP.

Anyway, Wells was infuriating my Grandad too much so we went to Glastonbury for lunch.

This is Glastonbury.

It's full of odd people and shops.

This is where we had lunch, it's very nice. i had vegetable pie and chips and somehow managed to get vinegar in my eye.

There's a lot of homeless people in Glastonbury. Homeless hippies. One of them was carrying a bow and arrows. Surely that's unnecessary, and illegal?

There's also this bakery. They sell very very small Cornish pasties that for some completely incomprehensible reason, my grandparents love. I think they're probably what made me become vegetarian.

I also saw this book:

No they don't. This is a blatant lie.

Tuesday

Tuesday, it was decided that we'd go to Bath. There's a park&ride there.

It's quite a long journey to Bath from Bridgwater, about 46 miles. We saw a dead sheep.

Instead of going by motorway, we went the longer way, in order to prevent me from throwing up all over the place. this meant driving through Cheddar Gorge, although i have walked and driven down this road many many times, i am always shocked by how tall and beautiful it is.

Have a look -

If you've never been to Cheddar, then you should go. There are loads of goats. I should have taken a picture of some, really, but i was too busy trying to have a conversation with one. They weren't interested. I have come to the conclusion that goats are just like sheep, only a bit smarter and more pointy.

So, Bath. I've been a few times, it is always infested with tourists and tour guides, here is my very own guide to Bath.

This is the cathedral, it's very big and has lots of windows.

These are the baths. Well, just the building they're in. I have been inside before but it's really not that exciting. I also think that "Aquae Sulis" is a better name for a town than "Bath". The Romans knew everything.

Speaking of Romans. (don't worry, this isn't a real one)

Ok. So if you're not into religion and ancient civilisations, what is there to do in Bath?

Well, there are lots of buskers, normally they're quite good but i wasn't really impressed, i suppose everything's a let down after you've seen a busker in a 1700's style velvet suit and hat playing a dulcimer.

And...

Hot chocolate (i didn't drink this so much as cover my face in it)

My favourite shop.

Jewel encrusted pigs.

Sweeties!

The oldest house in bath. This is where a person called Sally Lunn invented the Bath bun. There are always long ques out the door for an "original" Bath bun. They're not all that. In fact, they're one of the most pointless foodstuffs ever invented. Silly old Sally Lunn.

The Apple Store. here is my Grandad looking utterly baffled.

And stupid roads that want to kill you. I am exaggerating when i say i twisted my ankles about 7000 times. But i did do it a lot.

Hmm... what else? There were some rude french people but i don't think they're a permanent feature.

That's about it really.

A Little Bit Christmassy,,,

My old school was a horrible horrible place full of rich chavs with massive houses and expensive clothes and ponies.

(You might have guessed - i didn't like it)

However, my favourite person in the world went to that school (and still does), but she might be the 1 exception.

Every year they have a Christmas Market full of over-priced mince pies, expensive jewellery stalls and the occasional second-hand book.

And every year i go. I like laughing at the people i spent 7 years of my childhood with getting fatter and oranger and stupider. (again, Bethan isn't included in this).

Yesterday I went with Bethan.

(i apologise for yet another blog full of pictures)

We were drawn in by sparkly things. Look at how sparkly they are!!

Next we decided to decorate gingerbread Christmas trees.

This was Bethan's

And this was mine...

(i am NOT going to mention the fact that Bethan's looks like festive vomit)

Finally, we bought tickets for the bottle tombola. Look what i won!

I don't really know what it is... i might give it to someone for Christmas.

So, after an afternoon of Christmasness, we were feeling very christmassy indeed.
We then skipped (yes - skipped) into Bromley. It was quite a long way, and it was cold and Bethan was wearing silly shoes, so when we arrived it took us a while to recover and make sure that our lungs weren't going to explode.

We then looked at the pretty Christmas lights. Ahhh - pretty!

Then spent the evening watching Love Actually and eating ice cream.

Happy :-)