Panic.

Panic Attack: n. The sudden onset of intense anxiety, characterized by feelings of intense fear and apprehension and accompanied by palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, and trembling. Also called anxiety attack.

I've panicked about things before, trembling a little, feeling short of breath and a bit dizzy, it's inconvenient and a little scary. But not terrifying. 

I can tell you what is terrifying...

Let me set the scene for you:

It's about 10.30 on Friday night in Paris, it's raining outside but you don't know that, you're curled up on the floor of Chateau D'Eau metro station hyperventilating, sobbing and shaking. Your eyes are closed because everything is spinning. Crowded round you are 20 other girls and several drunk and/or homeless French people and they're STARING. Kneeling next to you is a concerned yet very awkward language teacher. You wish they'd stop staring. You feel like you are going to die. Somebody puts their hand on your shoulder and you retch, in that moment you thank every God that you don't really believe in that you'd had the sense not to eat anything that day - there are very few things that could make this situation worse, one of them being throwing up. 

Basically, it wasn't nice. It was traumatic and embarrassing and I'm finding it hard to write about it.

I've always been a little bit claustrophobic, but only a little bit. Underground trains in London don't bother me very much at all and I have honestly never been so frightened by anything before.

It started when we got on the metro after dinner, it was quite crowded and i was squished in the middle of a lot of people. It was uncomfortable and I began to shake, at every stop more and more people got on, there wasn't room for them but they kept getting on. It was awfully unpleasant, I was shaking quite a lot by this point. But then something else happened, two angry French people started shouting at each other quite close to where I was standing, the shouting turned to pushing the punching, they were having a full on fight and there really wasn't room for it. I was so squashed, I thought i was suffocating, everything was blurry, I could only hear people screaming and shouting and swearing in French. My legs gave way but we were so tightly packed into the stupid train that I didn't fall, I just stayed wedged between two people I didn't know. We were so close to our stop but someone had pressed the emergency button and we weren't going anywhere. I actually can't remember between then and when we reached the station and people began to move, someone (i later found out it was one of my friends) noticed me, grabbed me by my coat and dragged me out of the door where I fell onto the platform. 

I don't know how long I sat there for, It could have been a very long time, It could have been just 5 minutes and I don't remember anything else until a lot later that evening.

It might not sound that bad to you but it was, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. We had to go on the metro what felt like a thousand other times over the weekend and it didn't get much better. Although I could mostly get over myself once we got out of the station and onto the street, I think I cried more times over the weekend that I ever have done before. One of the teachers told me I was really brave, I didn't feel brave, I felt stupid and irritated at myself for not being about to do something simple that everyone else could do so easily. I was so scared of throwing up that I didn't eat between Friday morning and Monday evening - I'm not sure if that made the situation better or worse, all I know is that I'll be very happy if I never go on the metro ever ever again. 

It was one of those times where everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for our relatively small group of 30 students and 3 teachers, we made this list:

• missing trains
• people forgetting passports
• people getting left behind at St Pancras
• delaying Eurostar
• lost luggage
• not enough hotel rooms booked
• breaking windows
• getting surrounded by scary men in an alleyway before the French teacher came and chased them away
• people getting lost on their own in Paris
• allergic reactions
• two people throwing up EVERYWHERE
• asthma attacks
• panic attacks *ahem* 
• stolen money/phones
• one of the teachers stepping in unnatural amounts of dog poo
• lost metro tickets and passports

I think we were cursed. But I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the trip, because I really did, I made new friends and learnt so many new things, had opportunities to do things I'd never get to do or even think about doing otherwise. The teachers were supportive and caring and everyone was so lovely to everyone else, we all became so close and without the bad stuff it wouldn't have been nearly as funny and exciting and memorable. I don't regret going one bit, I loved all of it... well, most of it. 

I Write Poems For The Sheep, I'm Sure They Enjoy Them.

Happy National Poetry Day!

I wrote a poem today, it's a bit shit:

I Am Very Bothered

I am very bothered when I thinkof the bad things I have done in my life.

Not least that time when i was 6 

we were by the sea, playing in the surf,

laughing with me,

I grasped your hand, swore never to let go

before sinking my teeth deep into your flesh.

O the chilling scream of a wounded boy

your blood slid over your wrist and down my chin.

Sharp little teeth and an evil grin. Scarred.

An everlasting memory.

I’d be lying if i said sorry

as it gave me such delight 

eyes flooded with your plight

and just that once, the only think you could think of...

was me.

You may have noticed that it is based on my favourite poem by Simon Armitage. When I say "based on", i mean copied.

When i was little, this was my favourite poem:

Missing

Has anybody seen my mouse?

I opened his box for half a minute,

Just to make sure he was really in it,

And while I was looking, he jumped outside!

I tried to catch him, I tried, I tried....

I think he's somewhere about the house.

Has anyone seen my mouse?

Uncle John, have you seen my mouse?

Just a small sort of mouse, a dear little brown one,

He came from the country, he wasn't a town one,

So he'll feel all lonely in a London street;

Why, what could he possibly find to eat?

He must be somewhere. I'll ask Aunt Rose:

Have you seen a mouse with a woffelly nose?

He's just got out...

Hasn't anybody seen my mouse? 

Another favourite is this one: 

It pleased my greatly today when i had the opportunity to say to a year 7 "stop doing that or i'll cut your fucking feet off and while you lay there bleeding i'll use your feet... to kick you in the head." I think i might have scared her.

"Pictures Of Last Night Ended Up Online... I'm Screwed"

Birthday = done.

I'm 15 now. That feels quite old. I feel like i should be hanging round in shopping centres with my hood up, spitting at people. I won't... but i could.

I must say, despite everything, this was a very very nice birthday. The nicest for a long time.

My friends were very sweet, buying me starbucks hot chocolate and giving it to me on the bus, making me really pretty birthday cards and giving me a strange yet completely perfect selection of presents. Including: a Jedward poster (which i'm not allowed to put up), DVDs of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and The Lovely Bones, CDs, a book, a LOT of chocolate and cute stationary. And bubbles.

Oh yes... and i got an iPhone. EEK!

I love it. I can never ever get signal... but i still love it.

I had a party on Friday, we ate pizza and played on Wii Just Dance and generally had a good time. I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to play with the camera on my iPhone. I made this, enjoy:





Um... that's it.

A Recipe For Brilliant Friends

There are very few people i could spend almost 72 hours, without sleeping, with and still love afterwards. I think, when you've found someone you could do that with, then you have a proper best friend. I'm lucky - i have 2.

Best friends also have to:

- not care when you endlessly take the piss out of them.

- make you laugh so much that you think you're going to throw up your lungs.

- be willing to eat food that you've spat out.

- be thinking exactly the same thing as you so that when you break out into spontaneous dancing, you're both doing exactly the same thing. 

- never be too embarrassed to go out in public with you, especially when you're dressed like THAT:

I was sitting outside Bromley South station on Wednesday morning when i thought "i must actually be quite brave to go out wearing this". I was wearing this. 

I realised later that it was probably a mistake wearing such alarming tights. STOP STARING AT MY LEGS!! But my friend was wearing flowery leggings and bright pink DMs. People on the tube were looking at us.

The next day i wore black shorts, red tights, a white vest top and a blue shirt. 

The red tights got laddered so i took them off. 

My parents didn't say anything. 

So i decided to see how far it could go. i took the shirt off and just wore the shorts and vest top.

Still, nobody said anything. 

So i put the shirt back on, took off the vest top, did the top 3 shirt buttons up then rolled the rest of it up.

Nothing.

So i took my shoes off. 

Then walked out the house with my friend. Two minutes later i got too embarrassed so turned back and declared "You call yourself PARENTS??! i have just left the house wearing almost no clothes!! you're supposed to tell me off! you're supposed to CARE!? you have just let me leave the house looking like a complete slut!!"

Their response - "Oh." 

Nice to know that they take an interest in me. 

Anyway, i got sidetracked. 

-You need to have similar interests to your best friend. We like IKEA. 

So we went to IKEA. It was fun. I bought these beautiful things.

Any Swedish speaking people reading this? Does "påsk" mean Easter? 

-We went to the Natural History Museum on Wednesday. It's very important that your best friend will want to go to cool places like that with you and won't laugh at you for suggesting it.

-Possibly most importantly, you have to know some of the same people in order to laugh about them behind their back.

We made this playlist. 9N It's people in our class, we tried to use the best possible songs but for some of them we didn't have much choice. 

Finally, i have discovered something even better than facebook stalking - formspring stalking. This is the most irritating person in the world's formspring: http://www.formspring.me/IshabelP I will give a prize to the first person able to guess which of the questions i have asked her. 

Here's a video my other best friend made. She has this amazing talent of always taking dreadful photos of me. Anyway, enjoy. (you might remember those cakes from this blog)

Competitions and Small Acts of Revenge

Last Friday, at lunch time, was the Easter fair at my school. The Easter fair, much like the Christmas fair, and the summer fair is essentially, people selling stuff i the sports hall and an opportunity for everyone to eat as many sweets as they can and be as hyper and uncontrollable as possible for the last lesson.

Unfortunately, i forgot to take any money to school, so had to spend my lunch time following my friends about, watching them buying stuff and staring miserably at the 32p i had found in my pencil case.

Then, i saw that the Eco House captains were running a competition - you had to write an idea that would make more people in the school more interested in the "Sustainable Schools" stuff, then stick it to a girl who was walking round dressed as a tree.

I had an idea, it was this - Prizes for whichever form had the most paper in their recycling box. There are so many reasons why this idea wouldn't work, but i decided to write it anyway. Well, as soon as i'd announced to my friends that i was going to, i wished i hadn't. For some reason, and i have *no idea* why, coming up with environmentally friendly ideas isn't all that cool. So, as i was writing my idea down on a recycled piece of paper that had been cut into rubbish leaf shape, my friends decided to take the piss out of my in a MAJOR way. It involved a lot of horrible name calling which i won't repeat now as they'd take too much explaining.

When i came to writing my name and form, i decided to get my small act of revenge, instead of writing my name, i wrote "Emma Lamond" the name of one of my best friends, also the one enjoying teasing me the most. I felt very pleased with myself, it was a rubbish idea, there were loads better already stuck on the tree, there was no way i'd ever win but i felt pleased with myself - Emma would probably die if someone thought she had entered that competition. (yes, she is quite shallow, but i still love her).

Ok, you're not stupid so you will have guessed by now that i won. Only, i didn't win, did i? Emma did. Her face when her name was called out was the best thing i have seen in so long! At first she looked really really confused, then, you could see something go *click* inside her head and then she just looked embarrassed. Really really embarrassed.

AHahahahahahahahahah. hahahaha. haha. ahahaha < that was my hysterical laughter. Nobody knew what i was laughing about but i couldn't stop myself. I'm still laughing now, thinking about it. HA!

She told the Eco House Captains that it was my entry, not hers. They were confused, but they gave me first prize instead - a fairtrade easter egg. WOO! Of course, i offered it to Emma, but she didn't want it, in her words "You're the Enviro-Warrior nerd, you deserve it."

I'm so lucky that she has a good sense of humour. And they'll all probably think twice before making fun of me for being a geek in the future.

Musics

Most mornings i am awake and often out of the house before my dad's alarm goes off, however, this week it's half term so i was still asleep when it went off, i was just a *little* alarmed to discover that it was this:



After a few more hours sleep , i started thinking about one of my favourite scenes from a film, which would be this:



i think that's all i have to say. oh, except that i really like this song now:

http://open.spotify.com/track/7nmArpOotJ431XYlJXI1vy

not something i'd usually listen to but today i took my wee cousin to the cinema (well, he was 11 last week), we were sitting in a rather horrible cafe drinking hot chocolate and talking about life and stuff and that song was playing.

A Thousand Splendid Suns

A few of my favourite things in the world include making people laugh and recommending something to people then finding out that they loved it as much as i did... whether it's music or a film or a book or food, i don't care it's just a great feeling!

Whilst i was on holiday last year, diving and whatnot, i read a book. It's not the the sort of book i'd normally read, some of you have probably read it because it claims to be "The Richard & Judy Number One Bestseller". It's called A Thousand Splendid Suns and it is horrible.

Ok, it's not horrible, it's beautiful, but in some ways it's like an episode of Casualty, in that everything that could possible go wrong for the poor characters, does go wrong.

I'm not really selling it to you am i?

It's by Khaled Hosseini - he wrote The Kite Runner.

It's one of the few books where i've cried whilst reading it. I told my dad to read it, he finished reading it today and although he didn't cry (i don't think he's ever cried - even when his mother died, he didn't cry) i could tell that he was sad.

It's not exactly a true story, but it's not exactly made up either... does that make sense?

The characters are made up but the other things that happen, did actually happen/are still happening.

It's about two women, Mariam and Laila who live in Afghanistan, they do lots of things... mostly it's about war and the Taliban and friendship and love and all that sort of stuff.

As you'll know from my previous attempts at reviewing things - i'm not very good at it.

Basically, i think you should read it. you can borrow my copy of it if you want... as long as you don't spill beer all over it (which is what happened last time i lent somebody a book).

Oh, and listen to my playlist: Saturday

DO NOT touch the Baby Jesus.

I love my mother, no, really i do.

But she is completely mental.

I probably don't help this though... i *might* do some things specifically to wind her up. Like turning the picture in the hallway upside down everytime i walk past it and writing rude words on the oven door and seeing how long it takes her to notice.

This time of year, it's extra brilliant. My partner in crime (my aunt) and i have several christmassy games we like to play.

Every Christmas day, my mother lays the table for 12 people, making sure that the crackers go - gold, silver, gold, silver, gold and so on. Every time she goes into the kitchen, somebody has to run into the dining room and switch a few of them around. The first 3 or 4 times she is confused, then she gets angry.

Another Christmas dinner game played by my aunt, my little cousin and i, is to get a word, or phrase into the conversation that perhaps should be there - without other people noticing.
Last year, i seem to remember it was "tramp's knob". and i won. it went a bit like this:

grandad: "Mmm, these little sausages are nice, what are they called?"

me: "tramp's knobs?"

grandad: "what?"

*old people look confused*

me: "oh, um... chipolatas?"

grandad: "oh yes, that's right"

*aunt and cousin sit with MOUTHS HANGING OPEN, in surprise and admiration*

BUT. The best thing at Christmas is my mother's absolute favourite thing ever. The Knitivity (yes. the KNITivity)

So often being shouted in my house:

"STEPHANIE, DID YOU KNOCK THE DONKEY OVER?"

or,

"STEPHANIE, WHY ARE THE WISE MEN DOING HANDSTANDS?!"

or (my favourite)

"STEPHANIE, WHERE IS THE BABY JESUS?!!"

ahahahahaha. hahaa. ha.

ha.

Blue Peter (part 1)

Sometimes i have a random stroke of genius. Yesterday, i had one... i have decided to share it with you because i think it is EXCELLENT!

Also, i may have mentioned this before but my main ambition in life is to become a Blue Peter presenter. have you got a problem with that?!

Ok. So, a simple and cheap and really pretty christmas present for somebody that you don't really like but have to buy a present for anyway.

1) Take an small, empty nutella jar. (Wash it so that there's no nutella left in it and take the lable off)

2) Use POWER PRITT - it's like pritt stick but better, and cover the glass in it (or do something more artistic like spots of stripes or something)

3) Next (this is the messy bit) pour lots and lots of glitter onto the table and roll the glue-y glass in it.

4) Take a tea-light candle and put it in the glass.

5) Wrap it up, give it to whoever you made it for.

6) RUN AWAY!

My new slightly worrying obsession

I've decided that i want a guinea pig. maybe two.

This thought only popped into my head today but i really REALLY want one.

Somebody on twitter posted a link to a silly guinea pig dance thing on youtube earlier. I didn't watch it and i didn't think about it again until about half an hour ago. Half an hour ago, i went to youtube again and all of the 8 "Recommended For You" videos were guinea pig related, so i watched one, then another... and another...

I've never really thought about guinea pigs before, never realised how great they are! They look just like really big hamsters! like super-cute rabbits! like tiny little puppies.

I have now decided that a guinea pig would make my life a lot better. I'm not sure why, i just think it would.

Ok, not the best argument - "i just think it would", but watch these videos THEN tell me that a guinea pig isn't EXACTLY what i need.







do you understand now?

A Blogish Sort Of Hello.

Look! This is a blog.

I've neglected my blog recently, it's not that i haven't had lots of blog-ish things in my head i just haven't had time to write them and even when i have had time, i haven't wanted to write anything, as it would be purely miserableness and horrible for anyone to read.

So. I don't have much to say now. Nor do i have much time. I just wanted to say HELLO. Not my twitter sort of HELLO but a blog sort of HELLO.

I had a really nice weekend though. i would write about it... if i could be bothered. I can't. Instead, here are some pictures:

Emily and i... just sort of smiling (bear with me, they will get better)

Emily's 'E'. My 'S'. (because we are cool)

Possibly the strangest pose you will ever see...
(that's the sea in the background)

Not too sure what's happenig here...

The view from the beach hut (my uncle isn't a perminent feature)

Being told the truth in The Booth of Truth. It cost me 40p but now i know the truth... and i'm not allowed to tell you.

So that's all really...

A Day Sandwiched Between 2 Slices of Toast

Yesterday, i went to see my old people. I love my old people, they are lovely and mental, but in that wonderful old persony way.

I had a really nice day, it was lovely all round, that sort of excellent day where i'm still smiling about it today.

So, here is my recipe for an perfect day out:

Go on an adventure. Even if it's a little adventure, make sure it's something that you wouldn't normally do, something that makes you a bit nervous but also something that you want to tell people about afterwards.

Play a game. Even if it's a silly game, you should play it. I played two games yesterday, I Spy and Chicken.

Skip all the way down a hill, through a village, across a field and down to the sea, holding hands with your dad and your aunt.

Try something new, and discover that you like it. Yesterday i had chips with mint sauce for my lunch. it was yummy!

Teach someone something new. I taught Jordan how to swim underwater and how to dive. it was cold but fun.

Do something stupid, that makes everyone else laugh. It was sunny for about 10 minutes yesterday afternoon. We decided to go swimming in the sea. I went to the beach in my swimming costume and my shorts. We swam for nearly an hour and didn't notice when it started to rain. Then we got out, i had to run across a field and up a hill wearing just my shorts and bikini top. I screamed all the way. Everyone else found it very funny.

Eat homemade chocolate cake. That's quite self explanatory really.

Make a new friend. I made friends with the loveliest ginger cat you could ever met. He was called Henry and he was enormous, he came up to my knees! i thought he was a dog at first... i wanted to take him home with me.

Get lost. Days are more memorable if you get lost. We got lost on the way home, we somehow ended up in Essex!

Pretend to be really posh. My father started this; we walked past some tennis courts and he said, "Oh damn it! Nobody told us there were courts, we could have brought our rackets!" we then continued to have a "posh" conversation, we got some funny looks (especially as my father decided that you have to shout to be posh) but it was fun!

Get followed around by a very ugly looking boy, who will finally stumble up to you, and ask if you want to "go out with him". Say yes so as to not hurt his feelings, then run away and hide.

Make a stranger's day a little bit nicer. Do this however you like - i hugged someone. She was the saddest looking woman you have ever seen. she was sitting on a bench, crying and everything. I walked up to her and said "You look sad, would you like a hug?" she didn't say anything but i hugged her anyway. I hope that made her a little bit less sad.

Finish the day with a cup of tea, cheese on toast and a conversation with your favourite twitter people.

Disney and Other Nonsense.

I've been singing this constantly for the last 3 days:

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one
Tiggers are cuddly fellas
Tiggers are awfully sweet
Ev'ryone el-us is jealous
That's why I repeat... and repeat

The wonderful thing about tiggers
Is tiggers are marvelous chaps!
They're loaded with vim and vigor
They love to leap in your laps!
They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is
I'm the only one
I-I-I'm , the only O-n-n-eee!

See. Annoying isn't it.

I was looking for it on youtube, i was going to put it in a blog so you could all have it stuck in your heads and you could share my pain...

however.

I came accross this...



i'm sure it's at least 7x better in Swedish.

Which made me think, which other disney songs would be better in different languages?

These are my favourites:

Let The Right One In

Last night, i watched a film. I watched Let The Right One In, as you will know from my blog about Harry Potter, i am not good at writing about films. So i will tell you exactly what i thought:

It was really good. It was a lot less confusing than the book but it was sad and lovely and really disgusting all at the same time. I liked it a lot.

My mother said it was weird and horrible and disturbing but she liked the fact she was watching a film that wasn't in English because it made her feel "arty" (i know, she is VERY strange).

My father did as he always does through every film and was asking questions every 10 seconds:

"Is she a vampire?"

"Is he really dead?"

"What's that in the bag?"

"She is a vampire, isn't she?"

"Who's that boy, the dead one?"

"She's going to eat him, isn't she?"

"Why isn't she wearing a hat?"

...And my absolute favourite question he has ever asked...

"Is this based on a true story?"

I would have watched it on my own but my computer didn't want to play the DVD. So i watched it downstairs whilst my parents were eating dinner. They were eating pizza.

I may have commented that a man who has burnt half his face off with acid looks a bit like a pizza. I know, I am sick. Sorry.


It doesn't take a lot to give me nightmares so inevitably, i had terrible terrible dreams last night. The only thing is, instead of dreaming about vampires and blood and falling from windows on the 7th floor, i dreamt that i lived in a flat with far too many cats and they were all smelly and vicious and inbred. And i think that scared me more than a dream about the un-dead would have. Mostly because, with my mad-cat-lady mother, it's not actually that unlikely.

What Beautiful Eyebrows!

I had my eyebrows waxed today.

I really don't know why. Now i think about it, it seems like a strange thing to do and a bit of a waste of time. My face is a mess, i have teeth that make me look a bit like a rat, an "overly pointy nose" - to quote a boy that i once fancied, eyes that can't decide what colour they want to be, wonky ears, my glasses are permanently filthy and hair that sticks up at unnatural angles, not to mention my skin-tone that makes me look constantly unwell. I don't mind, and I'm definitely not looking for sympathy - i think it suits my personality and even though i hate being called "cute" at least people don't run away screaming:

"MY EYES! MY EYES! WHAT IS THAT MONSTROSITY!?"

But now, to add to my badly thrown together features, i have very neat and pointy eyebrows. Which is odd. I'm sort of hoping that next time i go out, people will look at me and the first thing they will say is:

"Nice eyebrows!"

not because i like getting compliments - i hate compliments but it would make me laugh. a lot.

Someone who falls over as much as i do just sort of gets used to pain, i don't make a fuss unless something really really hurts. Having your eyebrows waxed really really hurts. Just a warning.

You may be asking yourself "why, if she thinks it's a waste of time, did she get her eyebrows waxed". Or you may not be thinking that, i don't know. Mrs Bodenham, one of the wisest people i know once told me never to make assumptions because they will ALWAYS be wrong. always.

Anyhoo, i got side tracked... Here is why: i was bored.

Honestly, i had absolutely nothing better to be doing, i have spent the last week, waking up at 12ish, then listening to music and staring out of the window for a few hours, going to the gym, doing a bit more staring, then going to bed at about 12.

So this morning, my mother came into my room and said, "Shall we go and play some golf today?" and i said,

"No. because golf is for old people in stupid trousers." I think that might have upset her a bit but she then looked at my face for quite a while, then in a very disapproving way said,

"You're nearly 14, you should do something with your eyebrows." Of course, i did think this was an odd thing to say, but as we've already established, in the land of the weird, my mother is the weirdest.

So, because i thought it might be an interesting experience, i said ok.

It wasn't really an interesting experience. Unless you think a woman with badly died hair and too much fake tan, looming over you with a paint brush is interesting. I didn't, i thought it was boring. Then we went to Iceland and i ran around playing "it" with my dad. That was much more interesting. (and i wonder why my mother despairs of me!?)

The picture is of me - i'm sure you guessed that. It shows me at my tidiest (i was about to go to my grandmother's house) it also demonstrates my dreadful mirror picture taking. Oh well, you're not really that interested, i can tell.