Shhhhhhh

Somebody down the road has one of those tree mashing things. You know, it's a sort of machine that you feed a substantial lump of tree into one end then receive a squashy-lumpy-barky sort of thing from the other end. I am not too sure *why* the people down the road have said contraption, or why they think that now is the appropriate time to use it, but I do know that it is making a noise.

The noise sounds like this: " ;;;!;!:!:;;;nnngggg;;;;{{{{!!!!!!{{{{?????clunk////////nnnnggg/,,,,,,." (and repeat)

But that's okay, I'm cool with that. Probably because that is a pretty accurate description of how the whole of today has sounded. From the very first noisy little bastard bird shouting it's head off through my window at 4 o'clock this morning to the stopclickingyourpenoriwillstabyouintheeye anger in maths to the "PLEASE. CEASE. BLOWING. YOUR. NOSE" desperation on the bus coming home - today has been one long head-achey, irritable chain of Stephanie-hasn't-had-enough-sleep-ness.

My day started with an early-morning Latin class. Everything about that sentence upsets me. I then had to face an after-school Latin class. There are few worse things to sandwich a day between than 10 girls reciting verb conjugations and questions about The Death of Germanicus. More and more often, I find myself wondering what was wrong with me when I decided taking Latin GCSE, in one 6th of the recommended time, was a good idea. (Although, the word "gerundives" never fails to bring a smile to my face)

My point is, that some days you should be allowed to wear headphones constantly, and listen to something beautiful, like Elbow, or maybe Fleet Foxes.

A Blog? What?

Hello there, remember me?

My name is Stephanie, I'm 15 (AND A HALF) and I live near London. I will always live near London, the idea of living in the country is very nice until you really think about it, then it's terrifying.

When I'm a grown-up, i want to be an angel. Failing that, I would like to be a writer.

I write.

But I don't often let people read it. If you were particularly interested (stalkerish), you could read some of the boring crap I've written about pressing local 'issues' on the News Shopper website. Other than that, I've been almost silent since the start of this year.

Why? Because I'm tired of that horrific sentence...

"I read your blog"

*silence*

I'm fed up with these people then staring at me, REALLY staring at me, like they're struggling to stop their eyeballs actually crawling inside my head and having a good poke around in there.

It doesn't matter if you're some random from my RS class or my Aunt or my Dad or someone I see everyday on the bus but don't really talk to (because, seriously, you're one of the dullest humans I've ever met), I will have replied to these 4 words and intrusive mental scan with a blank expression and "oh.".

Here is what "oh" means:

Well done. You typed my name into the internet (like a pervert/somebody who has far too much time on their hands), did a bit of clicking about, probably found my twitter, then this. I'm not sure what else you want me to say, it's not a secret, I'm not ashamed of it, I wrote a blog because I wanted people to read stuff, it probably isn't aimed at you but go on, read it, comment on it if you like... just don't seem so surprised that it exists. I'm positively flattered that people read what I have to say - I don't waste my time with things I find boring (that probably includes your formspring/tumblr/other places where you write about your made-up sex life and post badly photoshopped photos of you and Justin Beiber)
I know it's shocking that I have thought of things, then written them. But, you know, I do think. I know I often have a vacant, starey look on my face, maybe it's because I think too much. If you asked me a question, you would get a response, I would express my opinions the same as I would on the internet. But you don't ask me, so I don't say anything. People who know me well, will know that I don't feel the need to talk unless there is something to be said. In all likelihood, I feel a conversation with you will detract from my day rather than enhance it.
Seriously, I'm not just the slightly-posh girl who spends her lunchtimes doing homework, who will, every day without fail, hit her head on the utterly pointless shelf in the form room, who doesn't like walking down a corridor on her own in case people look at her, who enjoys sitting at bus stops.
NO!
I am a slightly-posh, geeky, clumsy, paranoid, distant-looking girl WHO ALSO WRITES A BLOG.

So there.

Happy Communist Martyrs Day

Valentines day is rubbish.

It's a special day where people who are already happy because they have people that love them, are made to feel even happier and reminded that they are loved.

First of all, I disagree with special days that not everyone can join in with.

I also feel that the overuse of the 'heart' shape is quite vile. Please try to remember that it is representing the mushy, blood soaked squeezy thing that keeps people going and doesn't have very much to do with love at all. If you are going to use it to represent your feelings for someone else, at least have the decency to send them an actual heart, human or otherwise...

Furthermore, I think that if anyone deserves a day dedicated to making them feel happy and a bit smug, it is the people who don't feel loved by anybody every other day of the year. What sort of long term satisfaction will a person with lots of friends and a parter get from a box of over-priced chocolates and a bunch of flowers? Not much. But what will a very lonely person get from a hug and a reminder that there are people who care about them? A LOT.

Now, i'm really busy... so if someone else could organize that? Great, thanks.

In other, more exciting news - 314 days until Christmas!

Eclipse: The Never-Ending Argument

"You're impossibly fast and strong, your skin is pale white and ice cold... I know what you are." 


"Say it. Say it out loud." 


"...Polar Bear."


If i had Facebook, i would have "liked" that. But i don't, so i put it here for you to giggle at. That is, if you, like every teenage girl in the world, have read the Twilight books. 


I saw Eclipse yesterday. I found it... long. But that's all i expected, just like the other 2 films, and all 4 books. 


As we left the cinema, and before getting called "little whores" by a fat 10 year old (i *love* living in Bromley) my friends and i had a disagreement. I think EVERYONE my age must have had this disagreement and although i could happily murder everyone i saw wearing a bag/t-shirt/badge with "team Jacob" or "team Edward" on, i think i'm going to tell you my opinion.


It's Edward. Always.


SO if we're talking about the character in the book, look at it this way, Edward is a vampire, he's described as the most beautiful man in the world (or something like that, i can't be bothered to look up the exact quote), his family is ridiculously rich and enjoy buying expensive things for Bella, he's read practically every book in the world and is a brilliant pianist, he can read people's minds. He tried to kill himself when he thought Bella was dead - that's devotion. Also, he is glittery!!


Then Jacob, he's a wolf. He's about 3 or 4 years younger than Bella and spends his spare time dissecting cars. He's self-obsessed and can't seem to understand why Bella isn't completely in love with him. He can't read people's minds but the rest of his "pack" can hear his thoughts. HE TURNS INTO A WOLF when he gets angry/a bit over-excited, that could get very very awkward. Don't forget that one of his wolf friends got angry, turned into a wolf then like, broke his girl-friend's in the face. ouchie. 


But if we're talking about Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner... it's still Robert Pattinson (although Peter Facinelli is much better looking than either than them)


Robert Pattinson looks like a batman cartoon, i haven't yet decided if this is a bad thing or not. Ignore the MASSIVE eyebrows and he's quite good looking, if a bit girly,he looks like an Abercrombie model which *should* be a bad thing but to be honest i don't think it is, however he knows it, which always makes someone at least 75% LESS attractive. 

But then Taylor Lautner, what can i say...? My friend's argument was "he's got an amazing body, the face... well, i could put up with that". Has he got an amazing body? I'd say no, it's actually quite scary, imagine if he hugged you - he'd squish you! And what is that? He's got some interesting 2nd shoulder thing going on there. Is that normal? Does that make you think "sexy" because it makes me think "maybe you should go to a doctor about that"

I'm not sure if it's because his body is so muscular but his head is tiny! it's ridiculous, it looks as if it's going to roll away at any point. But then his face! HIS FACE?! What happened there? He also has rather large eyebrows but i don't think you notice them as much as you do Robert Pattinson's because his teeth seem to steal most of the attention for themselves. They practically jump out at you dancing in from of your face yelling "LOOK, look at these enormous white teeth." Even though these two particular features are so striking, it's not like the nose goes unnoticed, it's just THERE, i can only make sense of it like this - his eyebrows and his teeth had a huge battle as to which would get the most face space and his nose got caught in the middle. Although i have to say, in the film, when he turns into the wolf, it is the cutest thing ever. Awww. 

I'll stop being horrible about the men now and say this instead:


Kristen Stewart, your teeth looked better before. Also, i hate you. 

It's Political Correctness Gone Mad...

Ok, so it's not really *political correctness* gone mad, more, health and safety gone mad, but i've always wanted to have a reason to say that.

I'll get straight to the point, you're not allowed to be given a sticky plaster if you're under 16. Because "you might be allergic to it".

So on Thursday, this hapened:

Me: "excuse me, may I have a plaster please?"

Miserable Office Lady: "no"

Me: "ok... why?"

Miserable Office Lady: "you might be allergic to them"

Me: "i'm really not"

Miserable Office Lady: *sigh* "what have you done?"

Me: *points at leg* "walked into i filing cabinet"

Miserable Office Lady: "what, backwards?"

Me: "well, i sort of...."

Miserable Office Lady: "i don't want to know. you can have this." *hands over bandage and some tape*

I ended up walking around Orpington then acting in our last performance of Cats (our Performing Arts entry - we came 4th!) with a large and slightly unnecessary bandage round my left knee.

It's silly, it is completely impossible to prevent anyone from ever having an allergic reaction. By the time you're my age, you should know what you're allergic to and be able to mostly avoid it, especially if it's something like sticky plasters - you can't really put one on your skin "by accident".

If they want to prevent as many medical emergencies as possible, i suggest the following things:

1) Dinner ladies should know exactly what's in the food they're serving so when someone asks they don't simply stare at them blankly.

2) Fix the radiator that sticks out of the wall at a strange and dangerous angle and leaks hot water in room 39 and glue down the bit of carpet in the drama room that people always trip over.

3) invest in some less-sharp cornered filing cabinets.

Friday

Swans and Geese. I always get those mixed up. Which are the ones that can bite your whole arm of and snap your thigh bone by just looking you in the eye, or... something like that?

Whatever. These are swans, and none of them killed me. Some of them are quite pretty, others are all brown and ugly, apparently they're the baby ones. Also, i shouldn't call them ugly just because they're a different colour. Awesome bit of anti-racism from my Grandad there.

This is Exeter. Some other things i encountered in Exeter -

Cathedral. If i'm honest, i was a bit tired of Cathedrals by Friday so didn't go much closer that this.

Wonky buildings.

More streets that wanted to kill me.

The most amazing buses you have ever seen. I found myself wishing that the ones in London were like this. But then i remembered that i have enough trouble staying awake on the bus in the morning without actually being comfortable.

This is the exeter riddle sculpture. It's brilliant. There's 8 panels each with a riddle on, they're writing backwards and the opposite panel is a mirror. Every time i go there, i wish i have more time to work them all out.

Yum.

New school shoes. Woo!

Hmm... i think that's it.

Oh, except for this - I very very rarely disagree with something that somebody is wearing - it's their choice what clothes they wear - but WHY do "older" women think it's normal to wear really high waisted jeans with a T-shirt tucked in! WHY?? It makes them look all odd and lumpy.

The Science of The Combover

A comb over or combover is a hairstyle worn by bald or balding men in which the hair on one side of the head is grown long and then combed over the bald area to minimize the display of baldness."

-----

"Peter's combover is back."

This sentence was said to me a while ago. It is, of course, referring to my Uncle Peter. A few months ago he got rid of his combover. We had a party. He no longer looked like a paedophile.

"oh dear"

However, i am beginning to wonder HOW it "came back"?!

I don't know a lot about old men's hair, in fact, i try to avoid thinking about it at all costs, but surely you don't just wake up one morning, look in the mirror and think "goodness me, i have a combover".

This has got me think about the transitional stage from no combover to combover...

It must take a fair few months to grow hair long enough to go right over the head and cover the bald bit. How often do you see a man with a bald patch on top, very short hair one side of their head and long hair on the other side?

Or do you grow it both sides with a bald patch in the middle so you look like you have hairy spaniel ears for a while?

But then, once you've got this particularly ridiculous hairstyle, what do you do with it every morning? You brush it all down one side of your face, then... sort of... FLOP...? Do you have to straighten it first, with GHDs?

What is the problem with just being bald? Are you worried about your head getting cold, is that it? If so, why not wear a hat? You are essentially, creating your own hat out of the hair still attached to your head. That's like making a pair of trousers out of your own leg hair or shoes made from your toenails... (yes, i am also feeling a bit sick thinking about that. sorry.)

And then, what about standing in a strong wind?

How many times have you been watching the news when a presenter is standing in front of that big sign at Scotland Yard or something, telling you about a terrible murder case or something equally as serious whilst their hair is doing it's only little dance? IT'S DISTRACTING.

What about running for a bus? First thing in the morning.... you're going to have to spend the rest of the day looking like this:

That is, if you're a wizard.

And what about when it's sunny? Do you get a strange striped tan pattern on the top of your head? Do you put suncream on UNDER the hair???

The more i think about them, the most questions pop into my head!

But i must stop now, before i go a little mad.

SO, in conclusion:

The Combover - Just Don't.

This Terrified Look...

Parents evening. The most dreaded evening of the year?

The one time when the people who boss you about and constantly tell you you're not good enough at school meet those who boss you about and constantly tell you you're not good enough at home.

Teachers have 5 minutes to sum up a whole year of hard work and not so hard work and too short skirts and make-up and too much talking and not enough talking and staring into space and missing maths books and "disappointing" test scores and non existent pieces of homework and "target minimum grades"... how are you supposed to express all that in 5 minutes?! actually... i'll take that back, i've managed to express it all in 1 paragraph.

However, i have learnt that most teachers chose to ignore these subjects completely, instead they like to bring up "issues" that really, don't need to be brought up in front of my parents. They just do it because they assume you aren't going to shout at them and leave the room when you're sitting next to your parents. Cowardly Idiots.

Our first appointment was with my Latin teacher, Miss C who is so delightfully mental, i
think probably deserves a blogpost of her own. Well today she suggested i learn Romanian... ?!! i'm having enough trouble with Spanish and French and Latin as it is thank you... i don't know any Romanian people. i'm not even that sure where Romania is?...

oh. there it is.



anyway, where was i?

Oh yes.

There did seem to be a "theme" running through all of the teacher's opinions of me.

"this terrified look"...

"she sits there silently, looking completely terrified or staring into space."

At least 3 of my teachers said those EXACT words.

Maybe the staring into space bit is true, and the silent bit. But i don't look terrified, this is my normal facial expression. Do i look permanently petrified?

Also, i am pretty sure a teacher shouldn't describe a student as "a panicky little bundle of nerves". Even if it IS true...

Another thing i learnt today is that my English teacher actually spies on me. He mentioned a conversation he overheard me having with my friend at the train station yesterday morning. He really shouldn't have been listening should he?

I'm not going to complain though, he was one of the two teachers who said something vaguely nice about me. He said i was the best student in year 9 with A-level knowledge of English. And that was the first time my mother has been proud of me in about 3 years. And that was nice.

Was there a point to this blog? Have i made it yet? Who knows...

Grrrr.

Do you know what's annoying me right now?

This woman who is getting all cross about the prime minister spelling her son's name wrong.

I spell things wrongly all the time - i don't do it specifically to be offensive, i don't even think it is particularly offensive, is it?

Surely she should be grateful that he wrote her a letter anyway?

Maybe he's just not very good with his spellings?
Maybe the person who told him the person's name had really bad handwriting?
Maybe he was writing it with a Scottish accent?

Has anyone considered these things? NO.

I just think that it's annoying, she would probably have never had mentioned it if it weren't for the fact she knew that newspapers would pay her for it.

My Enlgish teacher last year spelt "Stephanie" four different ways on my school report! i didn't think she did it to be offensive to me.

My piano teacher has called me "Charlotte" for the last year, i don't find it rude, i barely even mention it anymore.

A boy called David The Knob called me "Sarah" for the whole week i was Scuba diving with him... then again, i did call him David The Knob...

*deep breath*. oh well, just so long as it's not still in the news tomorrow...

Sabotage. Yes, Sabotage.

I am angry.

Really really angry.

I have probably mentioned before that i HATE my DT teacher. She is called Mrs Bowden and i hate her.

It's ok though, she hates me too. Really hates me!! i don't see why, i have never done anything to offend her...

Ok... there was that 1 time in year 7...

But that was AGES ago, she should have forgiven me by now.

Anyway, at the moment we are baking bread. We make the dough one lesson, freeze it, she takes it out of the freezer before the next lesson, we then leave it to defrost, let it prove, then bake it. simple.

(this is the bit that made me angry)

I used exactly the same recipe as everyone else, made exactly the same amount, put it in the same part of the freezer at exactly the same time as everyone else, but mine was the only one that wasn't defrosted.

Then, she wouldn't let me bake it for more than 5 minutes. It was completely horrible. It was all hard on the outside and all uncooked on the inside.

There can only be ONE explanation.

She sabotaged it. She took it out of the freezer later than she took everyone else's out.

why did she do this?

Because she is horrible and she's so pathetic that she feels the need to be mean to a girl who is probably several hundred years younger than her just because she has no real-life power.

WELL, I WILL GET MY REVENGE.

In the meantime, i have subtly let her know how i feel about her in my evaluation of the bread:



ok. rant over.

I CAN'T DO AEROBICS

I challenge you to find anyone less co-ordinated and more accident prone than me...

I can play hockey... and tennis and rounders and rugby... i can do athletics and gymnastics and to a certain extent, dance.

So PLEASE don't make me do aerobics!

I just can't do it! my arms and my legs can't do different things at the same time. I don't work like that!

By the time i've worked out how to do one stupid movement, everyone else has moved onto the next one.

The music doesn't help, it's fast and horrible, usually made by people who know more about aerobics that they do music - it makes me want to cut my own ears off.

I ALWAYS end up going the wrong way, people start tutting and i get hit in the face.

Then i'll fall over, i'll land head first on a pile of gym mats and start giggling so much that somebody has to drag me out.

All this time, my PE teacher is dancing about at the front of the room wearing a fluorescent green t-shirt that makes your eyes hurt and flapping her arms about so much that she looks like she's about to take off.

After an hour of this torture (yes, 1 whole hour!). Everyone else will go off to get changed and said PE teacher says "Stephanie, you looked like you were struggling a bit this lesson"

STRUGGLING A BIT???!!!!!!

Arguments and Other Sad Things.

Grown-ups are strange creatures.

I seriously don't understand them but from what i have seen over these past 13 years, i have learnt this:

1) Grown-ups really like being grumpy.

2) Because they are grown-ups, they must always be right. even when they are very very wrong, they are still right.

3) Because they are always right, they see no reason to listen to anyone else.

4) Grown-ups love arguing.

I hate arguing. I just don't see the point. I never argue, i simply let the other person shout at me for a bit and I don't mind much because usually they have a good reason to be shouting, or, if they haven't got a good reason, at least i know that they're wrong. There is absolutely no point in telling them my point of view because they are so angry that they're not going to listen.

Does that make sense?

But what i really hate is other people arguing. It's sad because when you're not involved, you can see how silly it is. You can see that people are getting upset and upsetting each other over something that so silly that they've probably forgotten what they're actually arguing about.

Still making sense? Do stop me if I'm not.

And what i really really hate is my parents arguing. Especially as i know they've been arguing but they refuse to admit it.

*huff*

I'm the teenager. I'm supposed to be the one screaming and slamming doors.

I told them to stop arguing. Both of them looked at me and said,

"It's not that simple"

I think it is that simple.

I think if they both just say sorry, everything will be fine.

This morning, to stop me seeing that they were arguing, they went to the end of the garden and shouted at each other.

I watched from the window.

They really are silly.

Anyway,

Did you know that today in 1883 was the volcanic eruption of Indonesia's Mount Krakatoa?

That's sad... 36,417 people died.

A Rant

i haven't written a blog for ages. Well, it feels like ages! Today's blog is a rant. A VERY ANGRY RANT!! and it's directed at Tesco.

On Saturday, i went to Tesco - the one in Bromley and i bought something from their frozen vegetarian range called "bean pie". I thought

"Well, i like beans and i like pie."

So last night, i ate it.

I had once mouthful of the nice potato topping (even though i don't ussually like mashed potato, this was very yummy, sort of orange coloured). Then, as i went to eat a bit more, i saw something that made me feel sick and nearly made me throw my plate across the room.

The Devil's Food.

Evil in Vegetable Form.

Courgette.

Yuck Yuck Yuck Yuck Yuck!!!

I do not remember the packaging saying "courgette infested" anywhere! well, it didn't say it in big writing, and does anyone honestly read the small writing?

Then, because i was angry and sad that this nice looking food was now inedible, i counted up all of the beans and all of the pieces of courgette.

The ratio of beans to courgette was 1:5. THAT IS DISGUSTING!!

Why didn't they call it "courgette pie". then i wouldn't have wasted time and money buying and cooking it!

Why didn't they call it "Devil's Food Pie"

Or simply "Pie Of All EVIL"

As you can see, I'm still rather cross. In fact, i feel that a letter of complaint should be written. Meh, maybe later...