"Fear is like a darkroom where little doubts get developed"
(my calendar said that today, i thought it was appropriate)
I feel horrible. Sort of empty, like there's a big hole inside me. Have you read New Moon? When Edward leaves and Bella feels like there's "an empty hole in her chest"? Well that's how i feel. Sort of. Only, i haven't been left by the love of my life, i haven't been left by anyone. It's just a nasty feeling of nothingness. I think it might be fear, fear that the next five years will be as utterly shit as today was, or maybe it's dread... dreading telling my parents that I'm already in quite a bit of trouble at school even though it's only the first day back, or it might be sadness and anger about someone stealing my coloured pens. I really love those coloured pens.
So...
There are 2 new girls in my class. I only found this out a few days ago. However, it didn't take me long to formulate my evil plan:
I was going to be very very nice to them. I was going to talk to them and make sure they don't get lost and try really really hard to remember their names, then, next week, i was going to ask them if they would please please be my friends. I thought that was a good plan. I felt sure it would work.
But, this morning, i went to say hello, and to put my evil plan into action.
I said "Hello" and they both ignored me. So i said "Hello" again. And they still didn't reply. I spent our most of the art lesson this morning, staring at them, trying to work out why they'd taken against me straight away. Believe it or not, i am quite nice, so at lunch i decided to give them a second chance and go and talk to them again. I said "Hello". They still ignored me.
I was genuinely upset, i went to Emma, who is always nice to me (if a little patronising) and asked why they were talking to everyone else but me.
She found out for me.
And the answer makes a lot of sense.
Here it is...
I was ill the last week of last year.
That's when the rest of the class met the the new people.
The rest of the class had decided that it was down to them to tell the two new girls about how weird i am. In fact, some people (although they seem to have the sense not to admit to it) thought they should tell them not to talk to me because I'm a complete freak.
That's what made me cry.
And now I'm a bit scared, because i always knew that i didn't completely fit in, but now i know what these people actually think of me, and i don't want to have to spend the next five years with them.
I mentioned we had art this morning. We were making little clay people, a bit like Antony Gormley's Field, only ours had to reflect something to do with ourselves. Mine was good. I hardly ever think anything i do is good, but i promise you, this was the best bit of art i have ever done. My little person was sitting on the floor, hiding behind their hands, wearing a hoodie and jeans. Everyone said it was good. Everyone except the art teacher, who looked at it and said
"Oh, it's a bit depressing isn't it!" So, i said,
"Yes, it is." Then she replied,
"Couldn't you make it a bit happier." I said "No." Then i squished it all up. I didn't want to ruin it. But i did. Because i am very very stupid.
So that's the end of this blog. I'm going to sit over there and be a bit sad. Thanks for reading it. Sorry it wasn't happy.
(Oh, i have some advice for you - don't call your form tutor a "fucking homophobic idiot" on the first day of school.)
hello. i went to see Harry Potter last night (or as i keep putting: Happy Porret). i shan't review every bit of it, because that would be boring and i'd probably get it all wrong, so i will say this:
i liked it, i did all the right things (jumped at the loud bits, hid at the scary bits, laughed at the funny bits and cried at the end).
my dad asked when it was going to finish every 10 minutes and kept asking who people were/what they were doing/ why harry didn't just 'zapp' them.
my mum said it would have been better if johnny depp was in it.
jordan fell asleep.
i would have enjoyed it more if it weren't for the fact i was slowly freezing to death in my seat and if i weren't quite so angry. here is why:
my mother went into the cinema to get some seats whilst my dad parked the car and jordan and i bought sweets and popcorn. my mother has an extraordinary talent for choosing the worst seats in the whole place, the ones she chose were directly under the air conditioning, the floor was awfully sticky but most importantly, there was about 3 cm between our chairs and the row in front. that was ok for my mother and jordan because they're shorties (honestly, they are), it wasn't too bad for my father as he sat with his legs stretched out into the isle-bit, but it caused a bit of a problem for me. i have quite long legs (unproportionally long) you see, by rights i should be a short person but my long legs make me a normal height (i also think they're what causes me to fall over as often as i do). anyhoo, i had nothing to do with them, so i squished them against the seat in front and tried to think about other things. 10 minutes into the film, the woman in front (who i can't help noticing was very short) turns round and says "excuse me, would you mind moving your legs, they're squished against my chair." this confuses me because a) did she think i hadn't noticed that my legs were rather squished? and b) where did she expect me to put them? so i ignored her, until 10 minutes later she turned round again, i ignored her again. the 3rd time i asked her where she expected me to put my legs, she replied "i don't care, anywhere else". so i did, i took off my shoes and placed my legs over the seat in front, over her left shoulder. i got a disgusted look, jordan, my father and i were in hysterics but i moved them after a dirty look from my mother. so i spent the rest of the film "sitting like i was doing an impression of a pretzel" (as jordan put it). but i had my revenge in the only way i saw fit. how would you get your revenge when sitting in a cinema with nothing but swine-flu and some popcorn?
today is comemoration day at my school, it is quite possibly the best day of the year, and i wasn't there. because i'm STILL ill. there is a cake competition and my class made a multicolored cactus-wearing-a-sombrero, sweet filled (like a piniata) cake. i can't wait to see the pictures! i am sad because i missed it but more sad because i was supposed to be in the 3 legged race. and as emma pointed out - she's only 2 legs without me. we practiced and everything. we were going to win and if we didn't win, we were going to come second. nicole and peppers were competeing from S. they won last year but this year we had tactics... if they were ahead of us, we'd have pushed them over! to be honest, last time we didn't actually finish the race, she fell over, then i fell over, then we couldn't stop laughing. this year was our chance to redeem ourselves and me and this stupid swine flu have ruined it all. oh well, next year then. definately.
