Panic.

Panic Attack: n. The sudden onset of intense anxiety, characterized by feelings of intense fear and apprehension and accompanied by palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, and trembling. Also called anxiety attack.

I've panicked about things before, trembling a little, feeling short of breath and a bit dizzy, it's inconvenient and a little scary. But not terrifying. 

I can tell you what is terrifying...

Let me set the scene for you:

It's about 10.30 on Friday night in Paris, it's raining outside but you don't know that, you're curled up on the floor of Chateau D'Eau metro station hyperventilating, sobbing and shaking. Your eyes are closed because everything is spinning. Crowded round you are 20 other girls and several drunk and/or homeless French people and they're STARING. Kneeling next to you is a concerned yet very awkward language teacher. You wish they'd stop staring. You feel like you are going to die. Somebody puts their hand on your shoulder and you retch, in that moment you thank every God that you don't really believe in that you'd had the sense not to eat anything that day - there are very few things that could make this situation worse, one of them being throwing up. 

Basically, it wasn't nice. It was traumatic and embarrassing and I'm finding it hard to write about it.

I've always been a little bit claustrophobic, but only a little bit. Underground trains in London don't bother me very much at all and I have honestly never been so frightened by anything before.

It started when we got on the metro after dinner, it was quite crowded and i was squished in the middle of a lot of people. It was uncomfortable and I began to shake, at every stop more and more people got on, there wasn't room for them but they kept getting on. It was awfully unpleasant, I was shaking quite a lot by this point. But then something else happened, two angry French people started shouting at each other quite close to where I was standing, the shouting turned to pushing the punching, they were having a full on fight and there really wasn't room for it. I was so squashed, I thought i was suffocating, everything was blurry, I could only hear people screaming and shouting and swearing in French. My legs gave way but we were so tightly packed into the stupid train that I didn't fall, I just stayed wedged between two people I didn't know. We were so close to our stop but someone had pressed the emergency button and we weren't going anywhere. I actually can't remember between then and when we reached the station and people began to move, someone (i later found out it was one of my friends) noticed me, grabbed me by my coat and dragged me out of the door where I fell onto the platform. 

I don't know how long I sat there for, It could have been a very long time, It could have been just 5 minutes and I don't remember anything else until a lot later that evening.

It might not sound that bad to you but it was, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. We had to go on the metro what felt like a thousand other times over the weekend and it didn't get much better. Although I could mostly get over myself once we got out of the station and onto the street, I think I cried more times over the weekend that I ever have done before. One of the teachers told me I was really brave, I didn't feel brave, I felt stupid and irritated at myself for not being about to do something simple that everyone else could do so easily. I was so scared of throwing up that I didn't eat between Friday morning and Monday evening - I'm not sure if that made the situation better or worse, all I know is that I'll be very happy if I never go on the metro ever ever again. 

It was one of those times where everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong for our relatively small group of 30 students and 3 teachers, we made this list:

• missing trains
• people forgetting passports
• people getting left behind at St Pancras
• delaying Eurostar
• lost luggage
• not enough hotel rooms booked
• breaking windows
• getting surrounded by scary men in an alleyway before the French teacher came and chased them away
• people getting lost on their own in Paris
• allergic reactions
• two people throwing up EVERYWHERE
• asthma attacks
• panic attacks *ahem* 
• stolen money/phones
• one of the teachers stepping in unnatural amounts of dog poo
• lost metro tickets and passports

I think we were cursed. But I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the trip, because I really did, I made new friends and learnt so many new things, had opportunities to do things I'd never get to do or even think about doing otherwise. The teachers were supportive and caring and everyone was so lovely to everyone else, we all became so close and without the bad stuff it wouldn't have been nearly as funny and exciting and memorable. I don't regret going one bit, I loved all of it... well, most of it. 

*sigh*

I need help.

I'm going to tell you something, you mustn't think i'm a freak, and don't say i'm being silly - that's what everyone else does.

I'm really really tired.

I go to bed at 10.30/11 and wake up at 6 every day. That's quite a healthy amount of sleep isn't it?

But the thing is, for the last two or three months, i've been having such ridiculously vivid dreams. They're not nightmares, just bad dreams, not with flying goats and trains that can talk, just the people i know in everyday life. That's the worst bit - they're so believable. They always put me in awful situations where i'm stressed and nervous and everything seems to be going as badly as it possibly could.

Then i wake up. Often, i wake up crying, which is a pretty rubbish start to the day. And i swear i'm more tired than i was before i went to sleep. Even though i know it was a dream, i still feel scared and shaky for the rest of the day. The dreams are so detailed and accurate that it's hard to believe they're not real.

I remember exactly when it started, I was at my Grandparents' house at the beginning of the summer holidays and one night i had this dream, it was actually a really nice dream but i was so shocked by the detail i could remember that the next day i wrote it down. It filled 12 A4 pieces of paper, and pretty much every night since then i've had another dream. They were quite pleasant at first but they seem to be getting more horrible.

And i don't know what to do... it's definitely having a major effect on my ability to concentrate in school and even when i'm really happy and having a good time, these stupid dreams are always at the back of my mind.

What can i DO??

It's Political Correctness Gone Mad...

Ok, so it's not really *political correctness* gone mad, more, health and safety gone mad, but i've always wanted to have a reason to say that.

I'll get straight to the point, you're not allowed to be given a sticky plaster if you're under 16. Because "you might be allergic to it".

So on Thursday, this hapened:

Me: "excuse me, may I have a plaster please?"

Miserable Office Lady: "no"

Me: "ok... why?"

Miserable Office Lady: "you might be allergic to them"

Me: "i'm really not"

Miserable Office Lady: *sigh* "what have you done?"

Me: *points at leg* "walked into i filing cabinet"

Miserable Office Lady: "what, backwards?"

Me: "well, i sort of...."

Miserable Office Lady: "i don't want to know. you can have this." *hands over bandage and some tape*

I ended up walking around Orpington then acting in our last performance of Cats (our Performing Arts entry - we came 4th!) with a large and slightly unnecessary bandage round my left knee.

It's silly, it is completely impossible to prevent anyone from ever having an allergic reaction. By the time you're my age, you should know what you're allergic to and be able to mostly avoid it, especially if it's something like sticky plasters - you can't really put one on your skin "by accident".

If they want to prevent as many medical emergencies as possible, i suggest the following things:

1) Dinner ladies should know exactly what's in the food they're serving so when someone asks they don't simply stare at them blankly.

2) Fix the radiator that sticks out of the wall at a strange and dangerous angle and leaks hot water in room 39 and glue down the bit of carpet in the drama room that people always trip over.

3) invest in some less-sharp cornered filing cabinets.

GCSEs and knickers and drugs and stuff

The things that have mainly been in my brain today -

GCSEs
Knickers
Drugs.

I shall explain.

I started the day in a rather worrying way. Woke up with an awful headache, took what i thought was paracetamol, only it wasn't - twas co-codamol. Which my mother was given when she fractured her back (just to give you an idea of how strong they are).

After realising my mistake, i didn't want to concern my parents, so i told twitter. Lovely twitter, who then went on telling me things like "eat something sugary!", "drink loads of water!" and my favourite - "i did that once, i was in hospital for weeks!". yeah... thanks for that.

I ignored all of you. I went to school and tried to forget about it. This didn't last for long as i soon found myself running to the toilets to be sick... My lovely friends standing behind me, looking slightly horrified and asking me if i am pregnant.

I soon got over all of that and despite my friends' best efforts, refused to go home (the lady in the office hates me - i avoid her at all costs).

I fell asleep in Geography. Nobody woke me.

At break i ate a bread roll and a banana yoghurt and then felt completely better. And my headache had gone!

Knickers. Today in school, i looked over at my friend Nancy, she looked uncomfortable.

"are you ok?" says i

"no, i'm far too hot."

"but it's cold in here?!"

"i'm wearing far too many clothes... (i have 4 pairs of knickers on)"

After nearly wetting myself laughing, i asked her why,

"because of the snow. THE SNOW"

"take your jumper off then... and maybe one or two pair of pants?"

"ok."

when i said that, i didn't expect her to do it then and there. in our English lesson.

A talent that all girls i know have is the ability to take items of clothing off in completely the wrong order. So i wasn't THAT surprised.

However, i was surprised when minutes later, Nancy looked at me again,

"Stephanie, what do i do with these pairs of knickers?"

"Erm... put them in your pocket?"

"don't have a pocket."

"pencil case."

"don't have a pencil case.

*silence*

can i put them in your pencil case?"

"NO!".

I don't know how she managed it, but next lesson i went to get my pen out and found 2 pairs of Nancy's knickers.

My pencil case has been contaminated.

And finally... GCSEs. This isn't amusing at all. not one little bit. It's terrifying.

I have to know what i want to study for GCSEs by next week and it seems that EVERYONE i speak to has their own idea of what i should do.

I'm so confused.

So you have to do English, English lit. IT, RS and Maths and double science.

I have to do Engineering (counts for 2 GCSEs) and Latin.

Then i have 3 to choose. Anything i like...

I'd decided on French, Art and Music.

But my mother has decided that i have to do history.

So it was French, Art and history.

But then my piano teacher decided i have to do music.

So it was French, history and music.

But then my father has told me he wants me to do art.

So it was Art, history and music.

But now EVERYONE is telling me that it's useful to learn a language.

I'm so confused. I'm doing 13 GCSEs as it is. Now my parents are trying to arrange for me to do the ones i want to do but can't do in school, out of school. My little head is going to explode. very soon.

Grrrr.

Do you know what's annoying me right now?

This woman who is getting all cross about the prime minister spelling her son's name wrong.

I spell things wrongly all the time - i don't do it specifically to be offensive, i don't even think it is particularly offensive, is it?

Surely she should be grateful that he wrote her a letter anyway?

Maybe he's just not very good with his spellings?
Maybe the person who told him the person's name had really bad handwriting?
Maybe he was writing it with a Scottish accent?

Has anyone considered these things? NO.

I just think that it's annoying, she would probably have never had mentioned it if it weren't for the fact she knew that newspapers would pay her for it.

My Enlgish teacher last year spelt "Stephanie" four different ways on my school report! i didn't think she did it to be offensive to me.

My piano teacher has called me "Charlotte" for the last year, i don't find it rude, i barely even mention it anymore.

A boy called David The Knob called me "Sarah" for the whole week i was Scuba diving with him... then again, i did call him David The Knob...

*deep breath*. oh well, just so long as it's not still in the news tomorrow...

Can You Beat My Day?

So. I haven't written a blog for ages. This is because everything has been rubbish. But now it's getting less rubbish, my day today was one of those good days, not an amazing one. Not a day that i will just remember forever just quite an enjoyable one. Except for the bad bits, they weren't enjoyable. They were bad.

Here is what happened to me today, not everything that happened to me today, that would be a very boring blog, just some of the stuff:

1. I discovered that i know a shocking (and slightly worrying) amount about The tropic of cancer and the tropic of Capricorn. I don't remember learning any of this stuff, i think it was just pre-programmed into my brain. I think it might be a sign.
2. I drew a diagram showing the tropic of cancer and the tropic of Capricorn with the sun and the moon and some other stuff. My friends decided that it was so good, our teacher should pin it on the wall, they then nagged him until he did.
3. I argued with my IT teacher about my grade on a piece of coursework, she then put it DOWN a grade because i was "arrogant and argumentative".
4. I wrote an essay that was "genuinely impressive". if you don't know my English teacher then you won't appreciate how big that compliment is.
5. I got my hand stuck in a grand piano and had to be rescued by Dr Parsons. He laughed at me. It was VERY FUNNY but it hurt quite a lot.
6. I fell over in assembly. Not just IN assembly but standing at the front, collecting some trophy thing. Again, people laughed.
7. I was Macbeth. Not the whole play, just the character.
8. I cut my hand in chemistry. Mr Mathews put not 1, not two but THREE plasters on it!
9. A really old lady swore at me.
10. My piano teacher did an impression of what an elephant would look like if it sneezed.
11. I ate a slice of pizza upside down.
12. I discovered a new insult - called my father it and he was so impressed by it that he forgot to be cross with me.